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Thursday, March 7,2013

If the NRA has its way on gun control ...

By Paul Dougan

It’s a weekday at the Follis household, and 12-year-old non-identical twins Button and Pout are headed downstairs — getting ready for school. This morning, the girls are being “difficult.”

“Mom,” Pout began, “those flak vests you got on sale at Ammo Dump® are gross! Dustin Beaver is so out! We wanted No Direction! And those trauma plates you bought us are embarrassing — Mutually Assured Destruction® is a cheap knock-off line. All the cool kids are wearing Terminate With Extreme Prejudice®!”

Button followed: “The Johnsons are getting bazookas! Commander LaPierre says the only thing that stops a bad guy with a bazooka is a good guy with a bazooka! And the Vangs — they just got their own cruise missile! It’s so cool! Commander LaPierre says it’s the kwindasenshul self-defense weapon! What’s kwindasenshul?”

“As you know, girls,” Mrs. Follis responded patiently, “your father has been out of work since his flamethrower accident, and things have been kind of tight. We’re doing the best we can, but we can’t keep shopping at fancy stores like KillZone®. And I’m afraid we just can’t afford the kind of firepower some of your friends have.”

Pout wasn’t through: “Mom, that volunteer security guard at school is creepy! He has these long hairs growing out of his nose. And he trembles, Mom. He trembles! Last week, he winged my math teacher with his sidearm. Mom, he’s scary!”

“Oh, Pout,” Mrs. Follis countered calmly, “you’re exaggerating. First of all, sidearms don’t wing people, people wing people. And each and every one of those heroic volunteers has been hand-picked by Commander LaPierre. Anyway, sweetheart, that nice man apologized afterwards — an armed society is a polite society. And, girls,” she added, “as I recall from parent-teacher conferences, your math instructor is completely encased in body armor.”

It was a good point. Button sighed. Pout pouted.

“So why all this complaining?” Mom continued, concerned. “You can just thank your lucky stars and stripes you live in a country where the courts entertain a robust reading of the Second Amendment! You know, there are places in this world where kids aren’t allowed to be armed, where every night, boys and girls go to bed without guns!”

“M-om!” Button whined, “that’s not true! It, it can’t be!”

”Yeah,” Pout accused, “you’re just making that up to scare us!”

Determined, Mom soldiered on, invoking her most hurt tone: “Button and Pout, you’re privileged to be part of a nation that respects and cherishes the God-given right of each and every citizen — no matter their age or their origins — to participate fully and deeply in its escalating spiral of gun violence. You should be grateful for your freedom!”

“Gosh, Mom,” the now-humbled girls muttered in unison, “we’re sorry; we weren’t thinking.”

“OK, then,” chirped Mom, mollified. “Now, Button, Daddy oiled the grenade launcher on your Terminatress®, and Pout, I put an extra box of hollow-points in your backpack. For snacks for you both — Chocolate Chip Banana Clips®! You know,” she paused lovingly, “you both look so pretty in your Beckie® ballistic helmets.”

“Thanks, Mom!” Button brightened. “I like pink!” Pout rolled her eyes.

“Now before you go, girls, let’s hear our family motto.”

“Do we have to?” Pout pleaded. “Oh … OK ….”

“Trust in the Lord … ,” Button began.

“But have a bigger gun,” Pout added perfunctorily.

“And,” Button finished with a giggle, “better body armor!”

“Oh, you two!” Mom gushed. “Now, don’t be late for your armored-personnel carrier, and come home right after school: We’ll deploy for dinner at seventeen-hundred hours. We’re having those crunchy little Hand-Grenade Potatoes!® you like so much.”

“Oh, boy!” cried the pleased twins, chanting the popular ad slogan: “They explode in your mouth and not in your hands!”

Mrs. Follis chuckled warmly, adding, “My, for flat characters, you girls are so much fun! Mommy loves you; be safe!”

—Paul Dougan lives in Lafayette

Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com This opinion column does not necessarily reflect the views of Boulder Weekly.

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Well, there you have it...the gun grabber view. Second Amendment supporters don't want bazookas and cruise missles. We just want the right to posses the same firearms LEGALLY that the bad guys are getting ILLEGALLY. You see, the good guys follow the law, the bad guys don't. So outlawing guns, won't stop the bad guys. Ironically, even if you don't own a gun, you derive a certain amount of protection from the fact that the bad guys don't know that. If NOBODY owns a gun, then the bad guys can feel relatively safe assaulting anyone the like. When someone invades your home they have the element of surprise. Without a firearm to defend yourself, you would likely be overpowered and helpless in moments. We just prefer to take personal responsibility for the safety of ourselves and our families rather than pray that the Police arrive prior to our murder.


Exactly. It reads like something you might have read from an old South racist. Zero content, maximum invective. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why gun control loses. It's a poison of the mind. As paranoid as anything they claim about the NRA or its members.



wow. this guy really nailed it.i ithink im dumber for reading that.



Let's seriously consider what would happen if the NRA did get its way. First, the NRA is the world's largest Law Enforcement Officers and retired LEO's organization, with 800,000 of its 4.5 million members LEO's. So the NRA has a LOT of experience in law enforcement. The NRA first suggested background checks for gun purchasers in 1936, among other things. So what would the NRA do?How about extending the laws that have cut violent crime by 74% since 1992. Many states do not have those laws - and Colorado's Democrats are about to destroy the laws they already have. Laws that cut Colorado's murder rate by more than half, and the violent crime rates and robbery rates by almost half. That's what the NRA would do. And the opposition - will send violent crime rates soaring again.






Billy Madison has been spot on for quotes lately.


"Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."