Dear Dan: I’m a lost little lesbian. I have been with my partner for the past four years. She’s 27 and I’m 26. These have been four magical years. We love each other, our parents are happy for us, and we make a great team. My girlfriend deployed to Afghanistan, and I was an angel for the first four months of her deployment. But then I hit a rocky spot. After an argument on Skype, I went to confide in a friend — seriously, confide, that was it. My friend and I cooked dinner, drank, and chatted. The next thing I knew, it was 5 a.m. and I was on the couch half-dressed. I never told my girlfriend. Part of me wanted to, but the moment she got off the plane and dropped to one knee, I knew I’d be keeping my indiscretion a secret. Seven months after my first slipup, we found out that she’d be leaving again. During her second deployment, I ended up out on the town with friends and was heavily intoxicated. Cutting to the chase: I slept with a random person. I did the same thing again five months later. So I have cheated three times. None of these people meant anything to me. My girlfriend is back, and this is the happiest I’ve ever seen her. We are planning a wedding, and I can’t bring myself to break her heart. Many nights I find it impossible to sleep. I have identified that drinking is a major problem and I am finished with it. I know that the things I have done will never happen again, and I want to spare her that hurt. How do I get past all the mistakes I’ve made so that I can love her the way she deserves to be loved?
—Army Wife In Training
Dear AWIT: By giving yourself a break, AWIT. You were drunk, you were lonely, and you were unmarried. OK, you weren’t exactly single at the time, it’s true, and you did a shitty thing … and another shitty thing … and another shitty thing. You can look on those three shitty things as unforgivable betrayals (and as prologue) or you can look at them as important life lessons you learned before making a formal and (hopefully) final commitment to your fiancée. Resolve to stay away from booze, go get tested for STIs, and stuff those ill-advised, booze-soaked, pre-exchange-of-vows experiences down the memory hole.
Dear Dan: Hi there, faggot! Whiny dyke here! I’m queer and mostly into women, but with a severe attraction to one particular guy. We’re close friends and hang out all the time. He’s great. A few weeks ago, he came back to my place and we made out for 15 minutes before he said that he’s not really attracted to me. We made out a little more. A few days later, he told me again that he’s not physically attracted to me. We have always been really touchy, we’re shirtless around each other a lot, and I’m struggling to believe him when he says he’s not physically attracted to me. How do you make out with someone you don’t find physically attractive? Further developments: There have been two recent instances in which he moved in on a woman I had expressed an interest in. I told him off about this, and he said he won’t do it again, but doesn’t that say something about him? Is there some kind of combo of competition, subconsciously trying to keep me unlaid, or voodoo connection? Am I just being paranoid?
—Wants Hetero Affections Tamed
Dear WHAT: This guy sounds like a narcissistic douchebag who enjoys toying with people who are attracted to him. He sounds like a narcissistic douchebag with a bit of a sadistic streak. Telling someone mid-make-out-session that you’re not really attracted to them is cruel, getting half-naked with someone who’s into you when you’re not into them is cruel, swooping down on girls who your queer girlfriend has expressed an interest in is cruel and an asshole move. All his moves are asshole moves. Now, I’m sure this guy has lots of wonderful qualities — most narcissistic douchebags have some cause to be narcissists — and you don’t have to cut him out of your life. But you do need to be less open with him emotionally, socially and sexually. Don’t give him any more opportunities to toy with you — no touchy-touchy, no make-out sessions, no partial disrobing — and don’t point out girls you’re interested in. Or, hey, get your revenge by “expressing an interest” in girls you don’t think are hot.
This week on the Savage Lovecast:
Are shrinks good for your love life? Also, how should you comport yourself when you’re the Dungeon Master and you have to watch your ex-girlfriend be some other guy’s slave? Find out at savagelovecast.com.
Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, and follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage.