For years, barely a week goes by that we don’t get a letter lambasting long-time columnist Paul Danish. While a lot of people want to rip Danish a new one, we’re sensitive to the fact that not everyone is a great letter writer, and that there are readers out there who take issue with Danish’s views, but struggle to put their objections down clearly.
To that end, we took a general cross-section of letters we have received regarding Danish over the years and boiled them down to a general structure that non-writers can easily use to voice their disapproval with whatever Danish may say. Just fill in the blank fields with the relevant information and you, too, can rip Danish a new one in just a matter of minutes.
Readers, meet the Paul Danish letter Mad Lib.
Dear Boulder Weekly,
The latest column by ADJECTIVE Paul Danish about STORY SUBJECT could not be more STATUS. It truly establishes Danish as a first-rate ANIMAL BODY PART.
If I wanted to hear from CABLE NEWS TALK SHOW HOST, I’d watch their show instead of reading it in your FISH wrapper from a third-rate MOVIE VILLAIN.
Anyone with FRACTION a INTERNAL ORGAN knows that ELITE EAST COAST LIBERAL MAGAZINE just last month published a study from ELITE EAST COAST LIBERAL UNIVERSITY showing the position Danish was arguing for is false, and is just being pushed by RIGHT WING BOOGIEMAN to protect the interests of GIANT EVIL CORPORATION A and GIANT EVIL CORPORATION B, as part of their collective war on BUREAUCRATIC PROCESS.
Of course it’s possible that the TOTALITARIAN IDEOLOGY views espoused in this literary MEDICAL PROCEDURE were not legitimate, but simply Danish’s attempt to rile up the ADJECTIVE citizens of Boulder, as he’s been doing since HISTORICAL EVENT.
But if history is any guide, his LUNCH MEAT-fisted approach to serious and sensitive issues like RECENT TRAGIC EVENT is all too sincere. If he had his way, Danish would probably have all the PLURAL NOUNS VERB and do away with JOB TITLE altogether like a true NAUTICALLY THEMED SOCIAL SLUR.
I actually pick up the paper every week hoping Danish will have come to his senses, but I now realize that will happen around the same time that CONFEDERATE TERRITORY freezes over. Until then, his column will continue to serve its role lining the cage for my EXOTIC PET, Cuddles, who seems to delight in leaving his WASTE PRODUCT on Danish’s words, as much as Danish seems to enjoy using those words to CHEMICAL PROCESS on Boulder’s SOCIAL GROUP.
YOUR NAME, GRANDIOSE TERM FOR YOUR JOB OR THE FACT THAT YOU PAID TAXES LAST YEAR
— by Josh Gross