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Thursday, January 30,2014

Predictions for the next 20 years

By Josh Gross




• Construction on Hwy. 36 still won’t be finished.

• The Danish Plan 2.0 will encase Boulder in a giant dome.

• Rents will be so high that students will have to pay in kidneys instead of dollars.

• NORAD will build a satellite office inside the Flatirons.

• Ward Churchill and Patti Adler will form a presidential ticket.

• Every business in Boulder will be either a microbrewery or a Whole Foods.

• The University of Colorado will turn into a dry campus just before closing up shop completely.

• Yoga pants and Birkenstocks will be required for entry into fine dining establishments.

• A teleporter to Denver will be installed on Pearl Street so that RTD won’t have to pony up the dough for the train it never built.

• Naropa University will have lost and regained its accreditation 76 times.

• Rising seas from climate change will turn Colorado into a giant refugee camp.

• Boulder Weekly will still be using the same logo.

• Gas will cost $6 a gallon in Longmont, and $2,800 a gallon in Boulder.

• Pearl Street will be turned into one giant community garden, complete with livestock you can milk, replacing water fountains.

• The Colorado River will dry up completely, but be replenished using water piped in from melting polar ice caps.

• Computer spell-checkers will finally learn the word “fracking,” just before the process is abandoned completely in favor of something even worse for the environment.

• Boulder will secede for a hot minute, but agree to rejoin America after finding that a barter economy based on second-hand Crocs, good vibes and NOAA research doesn’t prove viable.

• Virtual reality research done at CU will allow Boulder to get around its growth boundaries by physically housing residents in Longmont, and having them telecommute into Boulder through the use of hologram avatars.

• Green chile will be delivered by drones.

• Another, larger flood will wash away the city surface completely and reveal that Boulder was built on a dinosaur graveyard.

• There still won’t be justice for Big Boy the Elk.


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