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Home / Articles / Views / Savage Love /  SAVAGE Love
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Thursday, April 17,2014

SAVAGE Love

By Dan Savage

Dear Dan: I am a 22-year-old bisexual female, and I have a boyfriend who I love. He says he wouldn’t mind if I hooked up with other girls, as long as it was a onenight thing. That’s not what I want.

Ultimately, I want to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. He is not keen on the idea. He says he feels like he is not enough for me. I reassure him constantly that this is not the case. He is everything I want in a man, but I still crave a woman’s company. How can I approach this subject with him so that he will understand and be willing to accept it? I love him and want to be with him, but I also want a woman in my life, and I am not willing to sacrifice that.

Feeling Emotionally Maligned

Dear FEM: Your boyfriend may be everything you want in a man, FEM, but he’s not everything you want. If you won’t sacrifice your dream of having a woman in your life — for him or any other man — then stop encouraging him to hope otherwise. When he says, “I worry that I’m not enough for you,” you should be saying, “You’re all the man I need, honey, but it’s true: You’re not enough for me.” Instead, you’re saying, “You’re everything I want! You’re enough for me! But, um, I totally need a girlfriend, too!” No more mixed messages, FEM. Say this to him: “I don’t wanna have onenight stands with random women. I wanna have a relationship with one woman and a concurrent relationship with one man. I’d like that man to be you, sweetheart. But you’ll have to compromise on the only-one-nightstands-with-women thing if you want to be with me. Because, like I told Dan Savage, I’m simply not willing to sacrifice that. Not even for you.”

If you’ll settle for nothing less than polyamory, FEM, your boyfriend has to be told that in unambiguous terms. No mixed messages, no hedging. The risk, of course, is that your boyfriend will dump you. But if he doesn’t want what you want, FEM, then he’s not the right guy for you, is he?

Dear Dan: I am a heterosexual woman. There is no doubt in my mind that my boyfriend of four years loves women. Or that he loves me. My boyfriend says he is straight, but I sometimes think he is attracted to men. My gay best friend also thinks my boyfriend is attracted to men. Example: My boyfriend loves getting attention from this one gay waiter. My boyfriend goes out of his way to talk to him, the waiter responds with flirtation, and all the while, the gay waiter ignores and is rude to me. I asked my boyfriend if he had a crush on this waiter, and he got mad at me. What does this mean?

Worried Over Really Repressed Yearnings

Dear WORRY: Your boyfriend could be straight and comfortable with his sexuality and attracted to the occasional (rude) gay waiter. Some (rude) gay waiters are simply irresistible, WORRY, and some straight-identified guys aren’t 100 percent straight, just as some gay- and lesbian-identified folks aren’t 100 percent gay or lesbian. While some folks are bi and closeted, WORRY, lots of people are only so rarely attracted to someone of the same or opposite sex that the straight label (or the gay/lesbian label) feels more comfortable and more accurate than the bi label. As for your gay best friend, WORRY: Some (dumb) gay men are convinced that all straightidentified men are gay, bi, or persuadable. The more attractive the man, the more convinced these (dumb) gay men are. The fact that some straight-identified men have been known to fuck the odd (rude) gay waiter or (dumb) gay best friend only fans the flamers.

Dear Dan: I’m a 23-year-young woman, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than five years. We have a toddler together. We are best friends, and I love him very much. However, when we got together, I hadn’t had many partners and he’d already been around the block. And now he’s just not doing it for me in the bedroom. The things that used to make my toes curl now just make them twitch a little. I think I want to have sex with other people. It’s not that I’m not sexually attracted to my boyfriend anymore. I just want something different. But I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend. I love him and I love our family. I’m just too damn horny. What do I do?

She’s Horny And Growing

Dear SHAG: You start by telling your boyfriend that the things you’ve been doing in bed for five years — the shit that used to curl your toes — isn’t doing it for you anymore. Tell him you don’t want to break up, tell him you’re still attracted to him, but also tell him you’re bored by your routine. Get to work on expanding your repertoire, developing some new moves, and sharing your fantasies. One fantasy you can toss on the table: your desire to have sex with other people. If he’s opposed, SHAG, ask him how feels about you two being with other people together, e.g., threesomes, sex parties, and swingers clubs.

Respond: Letters@boulderweekly.com.

Send questions to Dan at mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

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