SAVAGE LOVE

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We just did a live taping of the Savage Lovecast at Seattle’s Neptune Theatre. Audience members submitted more questions — anonymously, on index cards — than we could possibly answer during the Q&A segment of the show. So I’m answering some of the questions we didn’t get to in this week’s column. Here we go:

My partner wants me to pee on him. I’m not so into it. Now what? Should I do the “one and done” thing or put it on the big “no way” list?

One and done — and with any luck, after seeing what a big nothing peeing on someone actually is, you’ll have a change of heart and peeing on your partner will wind up on your “once in a while, if you’re good, and only after I’ve had few beers so it’s basically just hot water” list.

My dick gets dry and kinda bumpy. Lately, there have been more bumps. Why?

You might want to ask someone who reads braille to run their fingers over your cock — you know, just to rule out the possibility that Helen Keller is trying to communicate with you from the great beyond.

You might also want to see a doctor — it could be HPV (sexually transmitted) or molluscum contagiosum (sometimes sexually transmitted), both of which require treatment, or it could simply be “pearly penile papules,” which are harmless and do not require treatment.

Is it immoral to fuck an ex-professor who’s married and has three kids if his wife hasn’t fucked him since March?

Yes (if he’s lying) and no (if he’s not).

What is the proper etiquette at most fetish/ sex clubs? Can you go and simply observe and not participate?

Some fetish/sex clubs allow people to observe on the theory that today’s nervous newbie observer is tomorrow’s confident active player. Other fetish/sex clubs welcome only active players because they don’t want to be overrun by voyeurs, gawkers, or tourists. Most clubs have contact info on their websites, so your best course of action

Would you let a grateful, mostly straightish guy give you a handjob for all the good work you’ve done in the world? And would you let a straightish woman watch?

%u2028Yes and no.

is to e-mail the place you want to attend and ask them.

In the past, I’ve had boyfriends who were horrible gift-givers (Christmas, anniversary, birthday). Is the thought and time a guy puts into gift-giving an indicator of a good mate?

I’m a lousy gift-giver but a decent mate — at least that’s what my husband tells me — so I may not be the best person to answer this question. But you’ve had multiple boyfriends who were lousy gift-givers — so this may be a question you can answer for yourself. Set aside the gift-giving issues/ lapses/horrors and ask yourself if your boyfriends are decent mates otherwise.

I have not come from a blowjob since I was a 17-yearold boy. Do I give up on my quest to orgasm in someone’s mouth or do I continue to subject poor women to failure?

Mix blowjobs and handjobs together — jerk your cock to the point-of-inevitability place — and you’ll not fail.

My gay husband of five years knew what he was getting when he got into our relationship: a total bottom. Now he wants to find a top to play with, but he also knew that I was not “open to open.” That was the price of admission. Can you tell him to stop annoying me?

The price of admission cuts both ways.

The price of admission he had to pay to be with you: no other partners for him, no getting topped again, ever. But if he’s not willing to keep paying that price, then you may have to decide whether you’re willing to pay his price: He gets to play with another top — always safely, once in a great while, maybe with you — or he walks.

…….

Thanks to everyone who came to the live taping of the Savage Lovecast — including Adult Baby Jesus and the Human Menorah — and a very special thanks to the iTunes editorial team for naming the Savage Lovecast one of the iTunes Best of 2014, along with Serial, WTF, The Moth and TED Radio Hour. Such amazing company! The complete list of top podcasts is here: iTunes.com/bestpodcasts2014. You can find the Lovecast at savagelovecast.com.

Send questions to mail@savagelove.net and follow him @fakedansavage on Twitter.