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Dear Dan: My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have two children. We had a wild sex life in the beginning, but his job (he’s military) took him away so many times that our relationship (and the sex) took a nosedive. Upon coming back from deployments, he would always have an addiction to porn. I would believe him when he’d tell me that he stopped, but every time he’d come back it would start again. Last fall, he was gone for four months, and the addiction is still there. For the past year, he was going onto anonymous webcam sites and engaging in mutual masturbation with random women. I found out, and we are talking now about our problems and working to resolve them. The camming has stopped and we are going to attend counseling as a couple, but I also think he should attend counseling for himself. Our newfound communication and intimacy has reawakened my libido, and now I want it more than him. I’m angry that the lack of frequent sex is what drove him to porn, but now the problem is that I want it too much! I don’t know how to handle my newfound libido and his lack of interest. I need him to be more adamant about showing me he wants me. Am I reading too much into it and being too needy?

—Paranoid And Reawakened

Dear PAR: “Increased porn use in men is very often a response to loneliness — due to divorce, separation, etc. — or stress or depression,” says Dr. David Ley, writer, clinical psychologist and author of The Myth of Sex Addiction.

Deployment to a war zone, needless to say, can be highly stressful and very lonely.

“Sexual arousal is very good at diverting us from things we’re bothered by,” Dr. Ley says. “For many people, that’s fine, and it works great to let off steam. But if you’re not taking care of the real issue — loneliness, depression, stress — then the porn use can sometimes become its own problem.”

Which is what seems to have happened in your case, PAR. Dr. Ley agrees that your husband should get some solo counseling in addition to the couples counseling you’re planning on getting together.

As for your out-of-sync libidos, PAR, try to bear in mind that all of this — the discovery that it wasn’t just porn, the communication that’s happened in the wake of that revelation, the reawakening of your libido — basically just went down. It may take some time (and counseling) before you two reconnect and reestablish your sexual groove.

“PAR’s husband might be intimidated by his wife’s libido and desire — if he is a guy who is struggling with unmanaged feelings of depression and anxiety,” Dr. Ley says. “So he could benefit from seeing a therapist and doing some work around how he is coping with these feelings while on deployment, and how he communicates these feelings to his wife. This way, she would know that when he’s not interested in sex, it’s because he’s stressed or depressed, not because of the porn.” 

Dear Dan: I’m a vegetarian who’s married to a meat eater, and I thought the compromise you suggested to a vegetarian wondering how to make it work with a meat eater — “The meat eater agrees to keep a meat-free home; the vegetarian agrees to keep a Morrissey-free home” — wasn’t that helpful. But you were probably kidding, right? Here’s the correct answer: The meat eater agrees to allow the vegetarian to be vegetarian (no pressure to eat meat, using vegetable stock when cooking at home); the vegetarian agrees to allow the meat eater to eat meat (no bitching about meat in the fridge or on their plate). Thanks for the otherwise great column!

—Very Enthusiastically GGG

Dear VEGGG: Thanks for sharing, VEGGG.

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