Dear Dan: I am a male grad student who is technically engaged to a female grad student. She has numerous positive qualities, but she is repulsed by sex. She is very sensitive about her repulsion and becomes distraught when I broach the subject. She says that even the thought of doing anything sexual with me elicits a panic attack.
She also insists that she is “broken” because, in the hopes of preventing me from leaving her, she forced herself to go further than she felt comfortable. We are both virgins, and the furthest that we ever went sexually was cunnilingus. She has never seen me completely naked or expressed any interest in making love to me. When she revealed that any form of sexual affection prompted panic attacks and psychological distress, I decided to call off our engagement. She proceeded to threaten to kill herself and blame me for her aversion to sex. I agreed to continue the relationship but insisted that we postpone marriage. She refuses to go to couples counseling. I love her and enjoy her companionship, but my sexual selfesteem is devastated. I feel rejected and bitter, and I am still with her mainly because of guilt. Although she denies that this contributes to the situation, she also holds strong religious convictions. She claims that she always had a weak libido and that bodily fluids (especially semen) disgust her. Finally, despite her use of oral contraceptives, she fears pregnancy. She also disapproves of my family and friends, my interest in science, my distrust of religion, and my use of antidepressants. My questions: (1) If I did cause or contribute to her sexual aversion, do I have a lifelong obligation to remain with her? (2) Barring cheating, the impetus for her decision to break up with a previous boyfriend, what other options do I have? (3) Could her sexual aversion ever dissipate? (4) Could her sexual aversion stem from asexuality?
— Gradually Escalating Threats Obligate Unending Togetherness
Dear GETOUT: 1. You are not obligated to stay with this unpleasant woman for the next 50 years just because you made the mistake of proposing to her. And even if she started fucking you, GETOUT, do you really want to be with her?
2. Why bar cheating? If taking herself hostage is so intimidating that it prevents you from breaking up with her (threatening to kill herself = taking herself hostage), then go ahead and cheat on her, or pretend to cheat on her, and let her break up with you.
3. Her sexual aversion may dissipate over time. Or it may not. But someone who doesn’t want to fuck someone — and she clearly doesn’t want to fuck you — rarely starts wanting to fuck that someone down the road. So she may get over her sexual aversion in time, but she’ll probably be fucking someone else when she does… even if she’s married to you.
4. Could be that, sure. But unless you’re willing to live a sexless life with a manipulative spouse who disapproves of your family, friends, meds, etc., the root cause of her sexual aversion is irrelevant.
Dear Dan: My boyfriend and I have been together almost two months. Lately, he doesn’t seem that interested in investing in our relationship, but when I talk to him, he says the opposite. We are a bit long-distance (he lives an hour away). Two weeks ago, he went home to visit his parents. I was going to see him when he got back, but he said he wasn’t feeling well. Then last week, he went to his best friend’s wedding. Now he tells me he’s got to go back home this weekend to get his laptop. Through all this, his texting responses have gone down to where I am lucky to get a reply. If we are on the phone and the call drops, he doesn’t try to call me back, and he never answers when I call him back. I’m just trying to keep the lines of communication open, especially since we don’t see each other all the time, but he is making it difficult. What would be the best way to approach this?
— Boyfriend’s Absences Worry Lonely & Invested New Girlfriend
Dear BAWLING: Don’t call or text your boyfriend for two weeks. If he doesn’t call or text you in that time — and he won’t — then you cancel your three-month anniversary party. My hunch is that this relationship has been over for a while, BAWLING, but your boyfriend lacks the decency to put you out of your misery. Looking on the bright side: You won’t have to waste any of your money on a traditional threemonth anniversary present — a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos — or any more of your time on this guy.
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