THE LOTION OF THE OCEANÂ
An ingredient in sunscreen is actively killing coral reefs in the United States and Caribbean, according to a study published this week in the Archives of Environmental Contamination and Toxicology.
The ingredient, oxybenzone, essentially prohibits young coral from reproducing — it’s essentially the Tea Party of the coral world.
But it’s about time we stuck it to big sunscreen. Those night-worshippers have been pushing their white goo on us on for decades. Sure, it protects us from skin damage and cancer. But it smells like Malibu liquor and it clumps up arm hair like that was the number one purpose of the product. No SPF could’ve prevented that burn.
We don’t want to hop on the Banana Boat if we don’t have to. It sounds mushy and not very buoyant. But we have to because you protect us from the sun. This news that you’re killing coral reefs is strike two. That dog pulling down the Coppertone girl’s bathing suit was strike one. Your move, lotion jockeys.
IDIOCRACY AT ITS FINESTÂ
Someday, an alien civilization is going to visit our little blue planet. We just hope on that day they don’t pick up a paper and read about Texas oil heir Corey Knowlton. If they do, they’ll likely declare our species a lost cause, annihilate all of us and move on to another, more civilized planet. We won’t blame them, this Knowlton guy is a real dumbass of planetary proportion.
First, this rich twit attends a gathering of the Dallas Safari Club where he bids $350,000 for the privilege of blowing the brains out of an endangered African Black Rhino in Namibia.
On an idiocracy side note: The Safari Club — obviously made up of similarly IQ-challenged Knowltonians — claims the 350K will go toward … wait for it … anti-poaching efforts, which of course we wouldn’t need if groups like the Dallas Safari Club would simply do the world a favor and start hunting each other to extinction. But we digress.
So oil heir Knowlton flies to Namibia and actually kills a black rhino. This apparently isn’t poaching so we’re just sure the Rhino was fine with having some dickhead from Texas end its life.
But the story doesn’t end there. After that A-hole dentist killed Cecil the lion, public outcry caused Delta, American, United and a bunch of other airlines to refuse to transport the carcasses of big game back to the states where the bodies or heads would be stuffed and displayed in an effort to compensate for the small size of the sex organs of big game hunters.
But now Delta is getting sued by the small weiners at the Dallas Safari Club because the airline won’t fly back Knowlton’s $350,000 slaughtered endangered rhino. We get it. What fun is blasting an endangered species if, in the end, you don’t get to put the penis extension in your den?
Go ahead aliens, just wipe us out. We deserve it. Just start with Dallas so we can go down laughing.
