So how can we be more orgasmic? Dogs, horses and chimpanzees want sex because they are biologically driven to pass on their DNA. Humans may want sex for the same reasons, but want and desire are different. The difference lies in the ability to comprehend pleasure. Desire is that cerebral hunger to be sexually intimate because you know that it feels good. Thus, desire lives in the brain. Our neurotransmitters fire up and start activating.
Keep in mind that for some people, the activation might not start until you are 10 minutes into foreplay or 20 minutes into intercourse. Yes, falling in love with running on the treadmill doesn’t always happen right as you walk into the gym. It may be three miles into the workout before you get those endorphins going.
Arousal, on the other hand (literally, if you’re engaging in solo sex), swells in the genitals. While desire begins as intellectual intercourse, arousal is the escalation of lower body blood flow. This is not to ignore the rest of our erogenous body map, as ears, neck, toes and tongues can also be super-sensuous spots.
To become more orgasmic, we must invite in desire and arousal. Let your mind turn off and your body turn on. Encourage another person’s masculine or feminine energy. Weave in fantasy, sound, sight, taste and the full amorous ambiance.
Remember, this is an invitation — to invite your sexiest self to the show. You might start by creating a list of ten things that make you feel sexy. This can include clothing that accentuates your femininity or masculinity. It can be a way you style your hair. It can be an activity that makes you feel strong and sumptuous. Many women (especially in Boulder) feel sexy after conquering a long hike to the top of a mountain. Many men feel sexy after a sweaty game of tennis or serious yard work. Some of us feel sexy wearing lingerie and dancing in front of the mirror.
Others feel sexy in that suave suit dancing at the nightclub. Some feel sexy eating juicy fruit or delicious dark chocolate or telling witty jokes. Whatever gets you going is most important. It’s your to-do list before going on a date, presenting that huge public speech or just when you need a pick-me-up.
Now that your list is created, let’s move to masturbation. Sound and breath are the two secret ingredients for moving toward a more orgasmic experience. I don’t care what gender you are, what you are wearing, where you are sitting or lying, or what you are watching or thinking. What I want is for you to fully surrender to your self-pleasure. This may mean broaching a boundary by doing it big and doing it loud. Yes, even if you live alone and the walls are thin and the neighbors know no one is home except you. If you can moan, groan, pant and purr when you are going solo, think about how easy it will be when you are with another person. Well, maybe not that easy. But whether or not you’re easily orgasmic, orgasm in selfpleasure helps activate orgasm in shared pleasure.
This might require faking the funk a few times to encourage your body to surrender. I don’t mean that you should fake an orgasm. I mean getting funky with role-play to nudge yourself closer towards your full-pleasure potential. For women, this can look like squirming around, tensing pelvic muscles, exaggerating pelvic rocking, and throwing your head back to change breath patterns and bolster arousal. For men, this may mean adding in a little extra vocalizing, playing with the prostate, or withholding ejaculation and breathing through that point of no return to encourage multiple orgasms. Ultimately, reproducing pleasure means inviting desire, allowing arousal and surrendering to the full-body, mind and spirit sensations. Go ahead and accentuate your authentic expression. Go ahead and become the star of your own erotic fantasy. Go ahead and be more orgasmic.
To learn more about being more orgasmic, join me and colleague Deb Rubin for our women-only workshop, Becoming Orgasmic Two, on Saturday, May 15, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Jenni Skyler, PhD, is a sex therapist and board-certified sexologist. She runs The Intimacy Institute in Boulder, www.theintimacyinstitute.org.