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Thursday, June 17,2010

What would Sarah do?

By Paul Danish

Whatever else he does in dealing with the Deepwater Horizon/Macondo oil spill, Obama shouldn’t ask himself, “What would Jesus do?” Jesus would walk out to the well and have a look around.

He would tell the workers trying to plug the leak that they’re doing the Lord’s work.

He would tell BP to go and sin no more (after paying all legitimate claims, of course).

Then he would change the spilled oil into wine (or at least beer), cleanse the sea birds of crude, and prepare a great feast of shrimp and roast pelican on the beach for the clean-up crews.

Obama, on the other hand, only thinks he knows how to walk on water, thinks the way to behave in a crisis is to diss the people trying to solve it, and (I’m guessing here) doesn’t know how to change the oil in his car.

Sarah Palin, on the other hand, (I’m also guessing here) does.

Which is why Obama should ask not “what would Jesus do?” but rather, “What would Sarah do?” Sarah Palin? The redneck knuckledragger in lipstick?

You betcha. Sarah knows a lot about the oil business and about BP in particular. As governor of Alaska, she spent seven months negotiating with BP over a proposed natural gas pipeline to the lower 48. Chances are BP CEO Tony Hayward’s phone number is in her computer. Chances are it wasn’t in Obama’s.

Sarah has a lot of real world knowledge and experience regarding oil, oil companies and oilmen — crude and refined. Obama has almost none.

She also knows a lot about oil dudes, and about BP oil dudes in particular. She’s married to one. Todd Palin worked in the North Slope oil patch for 18 years. For BP. It’s a pretty sure bet that over those 18 years, table talk and pillow talk in the Palin household sometimes turned to oil, and that as a result Sarah knows more about what goes on around an oil rig, and about what goes on in BP, including the seamy underside, than, say, the average Harvard Law Review editor.

She also knows something about what oil-spills can do to a state’s shoreline and fishing industry — something about the Exxon Valdez and she and Todd being in the fishing business.

In short, Sarah has a lot of real world knowledge and experience regarding oil, oil companies and oilmen — crude and refined. Obama has almost none.

So what would Sarah do — and, just as important, what wouldn’t she do? I’d bet she’d do the following:

She wouldn’t wait eight weeks to talk to the CEO of BP. She would be on the phone with him within 24 hours — to offer government help and support instead of a kick in the ass.

She wouldn’t leave Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal waiting for three weeks for a decision on whether or not the state of Louisiana could build temporary sand barrier islands to keep spilled crude out of estuaries.

She wouldn’t talk trash about BP or threaten it while it was working frantically to plug the leak anymore than she would talk trash about a mechanic trying to fix her car. She’s hung around enough mechanics to know that that when you talk trash about the guy who’s working on your car, you’re apt to have it returned to you with the engine in the back seat.

She wouldn’t claim to be responsible for things over which she has no control — like plugging the leak. She would take responsibility for things she could control, like protecting the shoreline and cleaning up the mess.

She wouldn’t declare a six-month moratorium on drilling in deep water and put 30,000 people out of work — and then try to stick BP with the bill for their lost wages.

But chances are she would order a two- or three-week stand-down on all rigs, during which the crews would check and certify that all their equipment is functioning properly and review their safety procedures. The military does this sort of thing regularly if it experiences serious accidents.

She wouldn’t sit around wondering why some of the world’s most advanced oil-skimming ships are sitting idle at the dock because they needed a federal waiver from the Jones Act, which says only American-made vessels can operate in U.S. coastal waters, before they can start skimming. She would issue the waiver and kick the butts of those who had failed to do so.

She wouldn’t demand that BP pay for the cleanup after it has already said it is going to. And so on.

In short, Sarah would do the things virtually every elected official with a lick of common sense from Chicken Inspector on up would do.

Granted, in situations like this common sense will get you only so far. Still, Obama’s performance in handling the oil spill has been one of jaw-dropping ineffectiveness and bumbling incompetence, and after watching the smartest guy in the room make one amateur’s mistake after another, common sense looks like a pretty good alternative.

Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com

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Never, ever, ever, thought I'd read something in the Weekly that I would agree with.  However, hidden amongst the 3,00,000 medical marijuana ads and typical college left wing dribble, Paul Danish's "What Would Sarah Do?" was a bright light in the pages of darkness. Fantastic article. 



C'mon guys, give us the truth. Paul Danish is actually a performance artist, right? How else can one explain his detailed analysis of how Sarah Palin would handle the oil spill? I mean, it was only just last week that Bill O'Reilly asked her the same question on Fox News, and she could not answer the question. Even O'Reilly winced. You can see the carnage at http://tinyurl.com/3y7zr3p

Fortunately for Palinites, she later did offer up a solution on Twitter. "Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man's efforts have been futile. Gulf lawmakers designate today Day of Prayer for solution/miracle."

Drill baby drill, then pray mama pray.

Keep it coming Paul. Someday you'll be right up there with Andy Kauffman.


Amen! Clearly Mr. Danish has been smoking too much Lemon Skunk (or is it Orange Mango Kush) while fantasizing about being teabagged by a mouth coated in apricot lipgloss. All that prayin' and shootin' has made a gusher out of him.