The best senator money can buy
It’s curious that Sen. Michael Bennet beat Andrew Romanoff when a recent poll showed Romanoff slightly ahead — and that was before news about Bennet’s financial shenanigans around the Denver Public Schools pension fund hit the fan late last week. You would think that, if anything, Romanoff ’s lead would have grown, especially with the anti-incumbent craze sweeping the country and Romanoff ’s resonating campaign message criticizing Bennet for taking so much corporate cash.
Then again, when you have five times as much money as your opponent and the backing of not just The Denver Post, but the Democratic National Committtee and President Obama, that’s quite an arsenal. Too much firepower for Romanoff, as it turned out.
But not in Boulder County, where Romanoff got 51.4 percent of the vote to Bennet’s 48.6 percent. Do we know something that the others don’t?
We just hope all of the Bennet shortcomings that came out during the primary race aren’t too damaging when they are picked up by Ken “Bullshit Boots” Buck, who will challenge Bennet in November.
For a full report on how the county voted, see www.boulderweekly.com.
If I was president
As if it’s not odd enough to have an American musical icon and Grammy winner running for president of the earthquake-ravaged island nation of Haiti, the fact that Wyclef Jean has all but predicted his own death in that position should at least raise a few eyebrows.
On his song “If I Was President,” Jean laments, “If I was president, I’d get elected on Friday, assassinated on Saturday, buried on Sunday.”
Not exactly the hopeful “Yes We Can” type of message we’ve become used to hearing from candidates, but then Jean has never been ordinary. The simple fact that this man, who was born in Haiti and, after coming to America, became a pop star with the hip-hop supergroup Fugees, now wants to return to a country rampant with disease, corruption and questionable infrastructure and take responsibility for fixing those things is courageous — though a little crazy.
Adding to the excitement of the Haitian election is the fact that Jean’s main competition for the highest office in the land is another music star, Michel “Sweet Micky” Martelly. You may have never heard of the man, but you can bet Haitians have. This could turn out to be an entertaining campaign.
OK, for all you men out there: You’re standing in line to take a leak at the stadium and, when your turn finally comes, you sidle up next to the other guys at the urinals, eyes forward, of course, but you can’t perform.
You become painfully aware that the urinal next to you has turned over three times since you’ve been there, and you’re wondering if people are starting to notice how long you’ve been standing there, emitting nothing but beer breath.
C’mon, admit it. After all, it’s not as bad as not being able to get it up. Turns out, you’re not alone. Apparently, being too petrified to pee publicly is prevalent. Says a professor.
Steven Soifer, a faculty member at the University of Maryland, specializes in something called “shy bladder syndrome.” The technical term for the disorder is “paruresis,” and nationally it afflicts some 17 million men (and women, even though it’s more common in men. After all, women get stalls every time.)
He leaked this news to us in a press release, and the details are trickling out. OK, sorry. This is serious stuff. It won’t happen again. Paruresis is second only to the fear of public speaking, says Soifer, who was in Denver last week. It has gotten so bad that he has started hosting workshops where, in addition to learning about the mechanics of the clenched sphincter, participants load up on water, tea and coffee, pick a couple of “pee buddies,” and work on getting things flowing at a variety of public restrooms. Get this: Their “graduation” is held in the bathroom at the ballpark during a game.
Soifer even helped establish the International Paruresis Association, not to mention the Shy Bladder Association, for all you paruretics.
So if you get stage fright too, free Willy and check out www.paruresis.org. Respond: email@example.com