Last week we painted orgasm as a journey of pleasure to which we must surrender ourselves.
Surrendering entails trusting ourselves and our partners. Building trust means we have to be willing to be vulnerable — to physically, sexually and emotionally undress. This is the secret to unlocking that deeper layer of true intimacy, and oftentimes, that inner orgasm.
But even just trusting ourselves, getting naked in the mirror, or getting naked with those underground layers of uncomfortable emotions, can be difficult. To surrender to our highest pleasure potential, we have to let go of what we look like, what we sound like, what we smell like. And we have to let go of goals, or the idea of “achieving an orgasm.”
Surrendering to our inner orgasm means we must search for that deeper erogenous experience — whether genital or non-genital, with ejaculate or without.
Eastern cultures set different sexual standards. Taoist traditions, for example, teach women to ejaculate and men not to. Ejaculation and orgasm are separate events — for men and women.
Many pre-adolescent boys experience orgasm before they can ejaculate. Even as adults, some men can still have an orgasm without ejaculation — or learn to — and some men can prolong ejaculation after orgasm. Others learn to be multi-orgasmic, especially with the help of Taoist author Mantak Chia. In his book The Multi-Orgasmic Man, Chia proposes that ejaculation depletes energy and, therefore, building inner energy requires learning to orgasm without ejaculation.
Local Tantra educator Dawn Beck says most men call ejaculation “coming” when really it’s “going.” According to Tantra, the ejaculatory inevitability, or point of no return, is the single moment when a man feels most connected to his partner. Directly after, however, he often turns off and the connection fizzles. Beck’s partner, Gerard Gatz, adds, “If a man can learn to be in control of his ejaculation, it will help keep him connected to his partner and help him experience a full-body orgasm.”
Beck and Gatz help prolong ejaculation by utilizing breath, sound and specific techniques. Rather than shooting out ejaculate through the urethra, squeezing the PC muscle can help redirect energy and pleasure back into the whole body, and even help keep an erection.
Regarding women, some experience wetness all through arousal and into orgasm, while others may feel like a fountain of youth. Not many females actually have the ability to spurt like Old Faithful, nor does science know much about female ejaculate. No, it does not come from the bladder. No, it’s not urine. Yes, it comes from the Skene’s glands. Yes, women have had this dazzling talent since Adam stroked Eve. If you are one of those gushing geysers of succulent satisfaction, then go ahead and celebrate your extraordinary gift.
And if you are not, don’t worry, as many women are able to access their inner orgasm without fluid emission, and without even having genital contact.
Sex researchers Beverly Whipple and Barry Komisaruk, co-authors of The Science of Orgasm, studied women who could have a mind-gasm using mental imagery. When these women thought about different body parts, those same corresponding parts were activated in the brain’s sensory cortex as if actually stimulated. Rather than jacking off, some women consider this “thinking off.”
Studies document very few men being able to similarly think their genital systems into a mind-gasm. However, a huge number of both men and women with spinal cord injuries have expressed the ability to experience orgasm through various erogenous zones.
Sex educator Mitch Tepper, a wheelchair user with a spinal cord injury, emphasizes how the able-bodied population could learn lessons from those in chairs about experiencing an orgasm in the ear, neck or nipples. Tepper advocates for a Tantra slant to sexual intimacy, as it does not equate sex with intercourse nor mandates orgasm as the ultimate goal.
The idea is to access your highest pleasure potential. And all of us, men and women, with or without a disability, with or without fluid emission, with or without genital contact, can find our inner orgasm when we surrender to the symphony of sensations called sex.
Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., is a sex therapist and board-certified sexologist. She runs The Intimacy Institute in Boulder, www.theintimacyinstitute.org Respond: firstname.lastname@example.org