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Thursday, September 23,2010

The devil and Lenin in Delaware

By Paul Danish


Christine O’Donnell, the woman who just won the Republican nomination for U.S. senator in Delaware, wants you to know that while she experimented with witchcraft in high school, she has since moved on.


“I was in high school,” she said.

“How many of you didn’t hang out with questionable folks in high school? But no, there’s been no witchcraft since,” she said, shrugging off her dalliances with the dark arts.

What prompted the comment was the release last week of a tape of Ms. O’Donnell’s 1999 appearance on Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect show in which she averred that she had “dabbled into witchcraft.”

But “I never joined a coven,” she added brightly.

During the same appearance she said she’d had a date with a witch; they went to a movie and then had a picnic on a satanic altar.

I can’t believe I’m writing this with a straight face.

But wait. There is more news from Delaware.

O’Donnell’s Democratic opponent is Chris Coons, a county commissioner.

Commissioner Coons appears to have indulged in a bit of youthful experimentation of his own. Back when he was a student at Amherst he wrote an article for the student paper titled “Chris Coons: The making of a bearded Marxist.”

Granted, judging by the quotes from the article on The Politico website, it seems the article was really about his conversion from a conservative Republican who had campaigned for Reagan in 1980 to a bearded Democrat, not a bearded Marxist.

Still, it’s the thought that counts.

Moreover, no one in the press appears to have thought to have asked him if he had ever joined the Communist Party — the Marxist equivalent of a coven — or any other Marxist organization.

The joint revelations raise a host of further questions as well, such as whether Joe Biden is really a straight man.

Here are some of the others Delaware voters will have to answer before Nov. 2.

1. When it comes to youthful experimentation, which is more dangerous to yourself and to society: experimenting with witchcraft or experimenting with Marxism? (Hint: Over the past 100 years Marxists have killed about 100 million people. Witches can’t hold a bell, book or candle to them.)

2. Which is more dangerous: youthful experimentation with Marxism, witchcraft or pot? (Compare and contrast.)

3) If elected U.S. senator, is Christine O’Donnell more likely to bring Satanist views to the office than Chris Coons is to bring Marxist views to the office, or vice versa?

4) Which would be the more catchy campaign song: “The Internationale” or Hank Williams’ medley of “Satan is Real” and “Goin’ Straight to Hell”?

5) It’s 10 days before the election and both campaigns are trying to summon up big-name speakers for last minute fundraisers. Which one is apt to be the bigger draw: a) Mephisto or b) Castro? Which one is more likely to actually show up?

6) Arthur Koestler once said earth’s last battle will be fought between the Communists and the former Communists. Which do you think is more likely: That earth’s last battle will be between the Communists and the former Communists, as Koestler asserted, or between the Satanists and the former Satanists?

7) Which ideology requires the greater leap of faith: Satanism or Marxism? Which requires the greater suspension of disbelief?

8) You go out to a movie and drop by the local Satanic altar for a midnight snack. Who are you most likely to run into: a) Beelzebub or b) Vladimir Putin? For extra credit: Which one is still a secret member of the Communist Party?

9) Recognizing that America is the land of second chances, where we can walk away from bad life decisions and reinvent ourselves, who is most likely to really change: A former high school witch or a former college red?

10) Which word better describes the federal tax code: a) Satanic or b) Marxist? Who do you think is more likely to understand it: a) Someone who is familiar with the black arts or b) Someone who read Saul Alinsky?

11) Who would you rather have on your death panel: a) Joe Stalin and Chris Coons or b) Christine O’Donnell and Marie Lavaux?

12) Faced with a career-defining crisis, who is more likely to sell his or her soul to the devil to assure a favorable outcome: a) a former witch or b) a sitting county commissioner?

13) Bill Maher has made a career of getting people to say politically incorrect things on his show. Now he is trying to use Christine O’Donnell’s appearance on his show against her. In view of this, which phrase best describes Bill Maher: a) towering hypocrite or b) flaming asshole.

For extra credit: Should Christine O’Donnell’s high school sweetheart cut out Bill Maher’s heart with a sacrificial knife and eat it? Would this act be considered politically correct or politically incorrect? Discuss.

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