Dear Dr. Jenni,
My boyfriend loves to perform oral sex on me, but there’s just one problem. He’s not very good at it. Is there a nice way for me to tell him that?
Female Eager For Good Oral Sex
Great question — and a common one! Many men believe that oral sex means a bunch of desperate tongue-wagging. But if you want to remain in your relationship, the last thing you want to tell your man is that he is bad in bed.
Instead, start by asking if there is anything you can improve on. He may give you some pointers, then he might ask how to better his skill set. At that point you can suggest how you like to be warmed up, how you prefer the speed and pressure, and what kind of rhythm he needs to sustain for maximum pleasure or orgasm. If you don’t know these answers for yourself, you can propose doing an exploratory date together to find them out. You can also read and reiterate the tips below … or surreptitiously plant this article next to the toilet for bathroom reading.
Pre-Game: Tell your man that you find him sexy when he comes to the playing field freshly mouth-washed, stubble shaved and ready to make a little love with his tongue!
Start-Time: Exclaim to him that you love it when he arouses you with gentle caresses on your thighs, butt and breasts (or other erogenous zones you prefer). Tell him to hold out on genital caress until you are aching for it. Once you are teased towards higher levels of arousal, then moan to him about how you want his tongue to slowly wander around all areas of your vulva.
Sustaining: Keep sensuously hinting to him how good he is doing, and how you would love for him use a little more pressure, or slide a finger inside to the g-spot. Tell him how hot it is when he licks your outer and inner lips, or softly sucks on your clitoris. Or you may prefer when he keeps his hands on the outside, placing pressure on the perineum or mons.
Maintaining: For extra stimulation, you may want to suggest experimenting with whip cream, ice, Altoids or peppermint. (The menthol in Altoids and peppermint tends to add an extra ele ment of sensitivity.) If the partner is prone to neck cramps, indicate that it’s reasonable to switch back and forth from tongue to fingers. Or, purchase a fun toy for extra playful support, such as the Sqwell. It has 10 soft, velvety, pink tongues on a rotating wheel to stimulate the clit.
And remember, good oral sex starts by opening your mouth — not for licking or sucking, but rather for talking.
Sex becomes stellar when you can tell your partner what gets you going!
Dear Dr. Jenni,
I want to try anal sex, but my girlfriend is completely opposed to it.
How can I convince her at least to try it?
Interested In Anal Exploration
If you want your woman to try anal play, you need to be open to the idea of equal reciprocation. Once you are willing to take an initial risk, she may be more likely to follow suit. Keep in mind that because many heterosexual men are hesitant to express interest in receiving anal pleasure, many women also assume the activity to be unattractive.
If you want her to try things outside her comfort zone, invite the conversation, but don’t push the activity.
For instance, because the anus contains numerous nerve endings inside and out, for men and women alike, you can chat about how anal play can be a pleasurable opportunity to expand your sex life. You can discuss settings that feel safer to explore each other’s back sides, such as the shower or bath.
However, if your girlfriend still feels that the anus symbolizes exit-only, you may need to honor this boundary and give the conversation more time and space.
If you do decide to play, though, remember the three rules of anal exploration: reciprocation, lubrication and deceleration. Be willing to give and receive equally. Use a lot of lube, as the anus is not a self-lubricating system. And go slow!
Send questions for Jenni Skyler, PhD, to firstname.lastname@example.org. Skyler is a sex therapist and board-certified sexologist who runs The Intimacy Institute in Boulder, www.theintimacyinstitute.org.