Home / Articles / Health / Sophisticated Sex /  Recovering the romance
. . . . . . .
Give Through iGivefirst
Thursday, January 13,2011

Recovering the romance

By Dr. Jenni Skyler



Dear Dr. Jenni,

I read last week’s column about affairs. I also had an affair, but I love and respect my husband deeply and want to stay in the relationship. I’m nervous he will leave me but I can’t live with such a secret. How do you suggest I disclose and repair our relationship?

-Afraid After the Affair

Dear AATA,

He may leave you. He may not. If you feel genuine remorse and regret, then absolutely express this to him. Then you must rebuild trust. This may take time, and you may want to have the help of a couple’s counselor to help support the repair process.

Expect your husband to feel a range of emotions, including the possibility of intense rage and grief. This is very normal. Allow him to express these feelings, and be open to answering questions about the affair. He may want to know why the affair happened, including exact details, and what steps you are taking to disengage from this third person. He may need a lot of reassurance in the beginning.

As for your part, you will need to take extra measures to protect the relationship and prevent future affairs. You may even want to extend yourself and allow your husband to now see your text messages, recent calls and e-mails. Be radically honest as you rebuild trust. Feelings of betrayal run deep, and take time to heal. Expect the process to test your patience, and expect anger to emerge from both you and him. Eventually you will want to open the door to a conversation about the changes you would like to see in your marriage.

Healing and repairing trust will require you both to keep talking. That said, if you talk about the affair around the clock, it will consume you both. Therefore, I advise couples to section off about 15-30 minutes each day where they are allowed to talk about the affair and ask questions. Then, use your time in couple’s therapy to dig into deeper issues that are particularly thorny and sensitive.

Continue to offer reassurance of your love and respect for your husband. And remember, transparency is key to rebuilding trust. Sometimes affairs are the best test of a relationship, and make you both grow stronger and deeper.



Dear Dr. Jenni,

I feel really stuck. My husband and I have been fighting a lot recently. I’m an Italian woman with a fiery temper so I yell lots, and I yell loud. My husband doesn’t yell at all. He just sits there silently and eventually leaves the room. This makes me want to yell louder! Then, about an hour after our fights, he wants sex. WTF!? First of all, I don’t want to have sex angry. Secondly, I’m totally clueless as to why he does this.

-Are Men Really From Mars?


It sounds like you and your husband are stuck in a classic pattern where you are the pursuer and he is the withdrawer. When angry, you get excitable and reach out to him, while he gets quiet and withdrawn, and eventually isolates. You reach, he withdraws. The more he withdraws, the more you reach. The more you reach, the more he withdraws. Again, it’s a classic pattern in which many couples find themselves.

The withdrawer in this pattern, in this case your husband, often uses sex as a way to intimately connect. Sexual intimacy is a nonverbal way to say: I’m sorry, I love you, and I want to feel close. Because the withdrawer may operate with less of a verbal vocabulary for how he/she is feeling, sex tends to be an easier and safer outlet to express these emotions.

Next time your husband wants sex after a fight, try asking him what sex means to him right at that moment. Your ultimate goal is to break the destructive pattern. Take a step back and offer him the space to re-engage. Good luck!

Send questions for Jenni Skyler, PhD, to drjenni@theintimacyinstitute.org. Skyler is a sex therapist and board-certified sexologist who runs The Intimacy Institute in Boulder, www.theintimacyinstitute.org.

  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
No Registration Required

I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Mark, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. Visit: at,drlawrencespelltemple@gmail.com and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. 2 days later, my phone rang. Mark was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to him how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn't brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be." if you need any help to get your ex lover back or husband, you can contact the spell caster on-- at,drlawrencespelltemple@gmail.com he's very nice and great...........



I'm CLIFFORD MARY by name I have a few testimony to share with you all about myself, I was in a relationship with this guy and for 3years and we were about getting married when we both have misunderstanding with each other and he ask me for a divorce and we both agreed and after 4months I head that he was having an affair with one of my closest friend and I was very upset and worried so a friend of my advice me and told me if I still love my ex and if I really want to have him back so I told her yes, and she ask me to contact Dr. ALLI the spell caster and I did although I never believe on spell so he gave me something when he was casting the spell and ask me to say my wishes on it and after the casting of the spell a receive a phone call from my ex and was ask me at which I did and now we are back together again I'm so happy and I wish not to ever have this mistake again in my life. I will also advice anyone with this kind of issue to contact him for help he is really nice on phone and always there to answer you question giving you the good advice that you need. his email is ALLISPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM or you call 2348149158514