BAKED WITH FISH SAUCE
News about CU using fish fertilizer on Norlin Quad to deter would-be pot-smokers on 4/20 made national news this week. And we thought the whole point of cracking down on 4/20 was to get negative news about CU out of the headlines.
One of the many questions we have is how long the seafood stench will last. Will it still be in effect on Earth Day? So we asked CU spokesperson Bronson Hilliard.
“I would think two full days in the open air, it would be weakened to the point where people could have an enjoyable time on Earth Day,” he said, adding that the campus uses the fertilizer every year. “We apply it in the springtime any way, but we have a nice coincidence that we can use it as an extra deterrent for [4/20].”
Wonder what other First Amendment rights that fish fertilizer could have been used to quash. A couple of gallons in Ward Churchill’s office might have kept him from writing his infamous 9/ll screed. A little fish juice might have put the kibosh on Adrienne Anderson and her pesky students’ environmental work, and maybe even Phil Mitchell, that CU instructor who was deemed too conservative.
Instead of giving former football coach Gary Barnett a few million bucks to go away, we could have stymied his sexist comments about Katie Hnida by hosing him down with fish entrails.
CU may have solved all of its problems. And it’s all thanks to those 4/20 stoners.
Hilliard also addressed the commonly held myth that the Wyclef Jean concert at the Coors Events Center was simply being used as a roach motel.
“One rumor is that the administration is using the Coors Events Center as a way to herd kids in, not let them out, and bust them all for marijuana,” Hilliard said, explaining that the concert was completely conceived and organized by the student fee-funded Program Council. “Categorically, it was not the administration’s idea. The idea for the concert was hatched by the students, for the students. In fact, we all raised our eyes, like ‘Wow, we want to have two things going on at once?’”
Here’s an item that was deposited on our desk this week.
Apparently, there’s this outfit in Denver that specializes in picking up dog poop. Yes, a service called Pet Scoop claims to have logged more than 31.6 million piles of canine caca in its 18-year history.
All you have to do is plop down about $10 a week.
“With over 469,000 doggie households in the Denver metro area, 40 percent having two or more dogs, and each canine companion pooping roughly twice a day — that’s a lot of doody,” their press release grunts.
They must get a lot of business dumped on them in Cherry Creek, where people have a big enough wad that they can pass their time in other ways, like watching cable.
The company is marking its one-millionth yard cleanup today by laying gifts — like a free year of service — on one lucky client at 10 b.m. We can’t drop her name, or we’ll soil the surprise.
But we can release what kind of dog she has.
It’s a Shih Tzu, of course.