Dear Dr. Jenni,
I hate swallowing. I hate the taste. I hate the texture. And I hate the feeling that this activity is so demeaning to women. But my boyfriend loves it. How can we reconcile this gigantic difference?
—Sickened by Swallowing
Dear Dr. Jenni,
My wife rarely wants to have sex when I initiate it, and only if she’s had a drink or two. How do I get her to loosen up and get in the mood without alcohol, and without telegraphing my intentions?
One, bring condoms. Condoms may or may not be your first choice of birth control, but they help mitigate the mess of ejaculate - which is enormously helpful when camping. Two, bring lube. It solves your lubrication issue, whether camping or not. Keep in mind, bears are intrigued by new smells, so unscented lube is preferable.
grief, stress and other painful feelings. If you can find a safe space, I highly encourage you to explore the depth of your sexual identity. This might be chatting with a friend or therapist, or going to support groups. If you feel that you prefer to be with women, you will eventually have to tell your husband.
You might be carrying around a social script that states: Nice girls don't sleep around. This idea stems from a social construction whereby women are not sexual beings. It's understandable how this message may have been passed onto you from religion, family and/or media.
As for bodily sensation, this will also be a journey of rediscovery. Imagine that your body is like a map - a large topographical body map. As all bodies change and age, the erogenous zones on our bodies do as well. By yourself first, and then with a partner if you have one, slowly explore your whole body from head to toe.
Almost all men have had experience losing an erection; and many struggle with erectile dysfunction in later years, especially when health is compromised. Anxiety and pressure from self or other may exacerbate erectile dysfunction. Therefore, I suggest stepping back and relaxing.
If the adrenaline is the impetus of arousal, then play with other activities that get those hormones going. Perhaps take a run together and race her to the finish line for the last 200 yards; challenge her to a wrestling match (if you are stronger, use one arm); or take a trip to Elitch Gardens in Denver and have the roller coasters do the work.
tension around sex. The secret is to find a place of peace and relaxation earlier in the game. I'm curious about what is happening in the desire and arousal departments before you get to intercourse? Is your brain sufficiently turned on (aka desire)?...