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Thursday, May 15,2014

Hazy Hazings

‘Neighbors’ is hilarious-ish

By Ryan Syrek
Let’s start with something that’s apparently really, really hard for edgy comedy people to grasp: jokes about rape or the N-word suck, and you suck for using them. Yes, you are allowed to make them; they aren’t illegal or anything.
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Thursday, May 8,2014

Squash the spider, man!

‘The Amazing Spider-Man 2’ is icky

By Ryan Syrek
Screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman are franchise serial killers, having parasitically attached themselves to Transformers and Star Trek, among others. That two living, breathing human beings can routinely produce content this noxious and vapid without remorse is almost impressive.
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Thursday, May 1,2014

Sex will kill you

Decoding the meaning of ‘Under the Skin’

By Ryan Syrek
Director Jonathan Glazer and writer Walter Campbell’s Under the Skin joins the smallest movie subgenre: brilliant but batshit insane.
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Thursday, April 17,2014

Slipping Mickey

Ernest & Celestine ditches Disney

By Ryan Syrek
Gather ‘round kids and hear a story from the days of yore, a time when artists drew cartoons with their actual human hands and not every children’s movie had covert sex jokes for ma and pa to chuckle at. It was a time before everything was glossy and smooth, before Pharrell and his hat dropped feel-good funky dance beats over computer animation in an attempt to market a soundtrack to a wider demo.
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Thursday, April 3,2014

That ship cray: ‘Noah’ ain’t bible school, y’all

By Ryan Syrek
It takes all of five minutes for Noah to deliver a Dikembe Mutombo-like swat to expectations of Sunday school Bible study. Six-armed, rock-encrusted, giant fallen angels help humans to build thriving cities on a Pangaea-era Earth that looks like an alien planet. This is the Book of Genesis by way of Middle Earth. That’s not an accident.
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Thursday, March 27,2014

Quirking on something different

‘The Grand Budapest Hotel’ is nearly new

By Ryan Syrek
Essentially, The Grand Budapest Hotel is a wild caper, littered with macabre humor, more murder than one would anticipate (including severed heads and fingers) and one hell of a lead performance. The performer who hella delivered is Ralph Fiennes, who carves out a divinely unique character, named Gustave.
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Thursday, March 20,2014

Speedy and irritable

Need for Speed’ is neither fast nor furious

By Ryan Syrek
It nearly causes physical pain to recap the lobotomized shenanigans brought to life by writers George and John Gatins and director Scott Waugh, but here goes.
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Thursday, March 6,2014

Dumb wolf in smart sheep’s clothes

‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ is all excess and sex%u2028

By Ryan Syrek
Does the film’s dramatization of realworld douchehammer Jordan Belfort’s drug-fueled depravity lend tacit approval, implicitly embracing harmful excess for entertainment?
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Thursday, February 27,2014

Kevin Costner hates you

‘3 Days to Kill’ is punishment

By Ryan Syrek
The “character” in question here is Ethan Renner (Costner), a stunningly lethargic and nondescript CIA badass who finds out he has brain cancer. With only weeks to live, Ethan tries to reconnect with his estranged wife (Connie Nielsen) and daughter (Hailee Steinfeld).
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Thursday, February 20,2014

Droning on

‘Robocop’ is repetitive

By Ryan Syrek
For one moment, the completely unnecessary remake of Robocop suggested the possibility of non-suckage when a host of cable news propaganda, frothily and non-ironically suggests using the same drone-based military action we use abroad to curb violence at home. Suddenly, this Robocop appeared to have a purpose.
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