ICUMI

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

Tough talk? We don’t think so

OK, Donald, try to follow along here. Tough talk on immigration would be you saying something along the lines of, “I appreciate that so many people want to come here and live but our country just can’t support everyone who wants to come. That’s why my administration is going to start saying ‘no’ to those who come here illegally. And we will send you home no matter the circumstance, so don’t bother coming.”

That is tough talk, Donald. Sure, saying something like that would still make you a heartless asshole deserving of our complete and total disgust, but you could at least honestly claim you were just talking tough.

Now contrast that with you asking why we let black people from shithole (or, if your Republican co-conspirators prefer, “shithouse”) countries come here instead of encouraging more white-skinned folks from Norway to move in?

That’s not tough talk, Donald. That’s a steaming pile of racist bullshit that would be more fitting rolling off the tongue of a Grand Wizard in a David Duke wet dream. But it’s not really your fault. You’re just an old, fat, feeble-minded turd with bad hair and stupid offspring. The real problem is those lying and/or silent Republican stooges who can’t get the corporate tit out of their mouth long enough to say something to save this once-great nation that your stupidity and hatred is destroying. Blaming you would be like blaming the bullet for the murder. It’s time we started blaming the people holding the gun, no matter which side of the aisle they are standing on.

Don’t put that round bunny in a square hole

On Tuesday, Jan. 9, Navy Rear Adm. Dr. Ronny Jackson, who has served as the presidential physician since 2013, checked out Donald Trump and found him to be in fine health. Message to children everywhere: Eat fast food burgers by the dozen every single day, drink more than a dozen sodas a day, and for heaven’s sake don’t exercise. While you’re at it, don’t read and watch at least 14 hours of TV a day. Do all that and you can be as smart and fit as our president. It’s not as visually inspiring as the old food pyramid but what the hell, it’s obviously the formula for greatness.

And while he was at it, Dr. Jackson, at the president’s request, administered the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, which tests for things like Alzheimer’s and dementia. The president actually passed it. But before you get too excited, this particular test doesn’t tell us whether or not the president is batshit crazy. It only required him to identify animals like bunnies and cows, draw shapes like circles and squares and recall certain words.

If nothing else, we now know our president has the same habits and cognitive skills of the average kindergartener. Now where’s that big red button?