ICUMI

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

Drunk as a gull

In these troubled times, we’re all doing what we can to cope, including our feathered friends.

Yes, even birds have become so disillusioned with the state of the world that they’ve taken to hitting the bottle. A report out of the U.K. says that dozens of “drunken” seagulls became “disoriented and confused” after scavenging alcohol in southwest England.

“Bloody hell, what do you expect us to do?” one seagull from Devon said. “You’ve got Donald Trump across the pond mucking things up, the miserable git, then Brexit, the migrant crisis… holy hell, climate change. Seagulls are right buggered, ya’ know? Of course we go and get rat-arsed every night.”

Researchers think the birds are consuming brewing waste products from a nearby brewing facility. One seagull said this is only because they aren’t allowed into bars.

“Second class citizens, we are; I wouldn’t have voted for Brexit,” the bird said before vomiting and wandering off.

Local animal control made light of the situation, with one officer stating that the birds have “really been suffering with hangovers after a gulls’ night out.”

Researchers are now urging local breweries, distilleries and alcohol producers to secure their waste.

“Sure, they can keep us from getting to the booze, but that doesn’t change the fact that humans don’t give a damn about the world,” a gull from Bridport said.

Area duck late to work

A Boulder Creek duck was reportedly late to his job this morning due to an unusually high amount of traffic on his commute.

“I go out there, and there’s, like, a thousand people on tubes,” said Gregory, the duck.

Gregory, who works at Google, said his boss was “not cool” about him being so late, and put him on probation, which at Google means he’s not allowed to access the trampoline room or use the 3-D food printer.

“I’m just one duck trying to make a living for my duck family,” Gregory said. “I get up every morning, I put on my duck suit and tie. I get in the water. I swim to work. I do whatever it is I do at Google, and then I swim back upstream.

“People don’t realize that when they tube to work, they make upwards of five working ducks like me late to work,” Gregory said. “Have a heart.”

Gregory said he’s going to spend all night online surfing the web for pictures of himself taken by tubers who thought it was cool a duck was hanging out on their ride.

“I was not hanging out,” Gregory said. “I was late to work.”