ICUMI

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

The unwinding of the Ronny/Donny test

Forget Helsinki, the U.S. president has compromised much more than the last shred of American respectability left in the world. Following the jaw-dropping press conference between Donny and Vlad that left Democrats annoyingly telling Republicans “I told you so,” a group of doctors warned other doctors not to use the cognitive impairment test the president purportedly aced last year, at least according to the now-embroiled-in-his-own-controversy White House doctor Ronny Jackson. C’mon, you remember it, don’t you? Donny “got 30 out of 30 on that exam,” Ronny said at the time. “I think that there’s no indication whatsoever that he has any cognitive issues.” Which led Donny to later describe himself as “a very stable genius,” despite his apparent inability to say the word “wouldn’t” instead of “would.”

During all the hub-bub surrounding Donny’s health exam, so much of the test, if not all of it, was published online that now a slew of doctors are saying it has been compromised and can no longer be used to establish mental stability for your Uncle Earl, your grandma’s cat, or Donny for that matter. Way to go, Ronny.

We’ll just add the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (the official name of the Ronny/Donny test) to the long list of things Donny has spoiled since taking office, along with tanning (now every time we see someone walking into a tanning booth, we can’t help but peg them as Donny–supporters and democracy wreckers) and golf. (When Obama played, it was cool. We even managed to try and watch it on TV from time to time. Now, every time we see a gulf club it takes everything in our power not to grab it and smash the ever-present-Donny-on-TV with it.)

Nilk, malk and other ideas

The U.S. Food and Drug Administraiton announced this week that it will crack down on no-good alternative milk producers, requiring them to not call their nut- and plant-based beverages “milk.”

The dairy industry contends the branding of alternative milks as milks has contributed to dwindling sales. In the dairy world, people aren’t buying cow’s milk because they’re going to stores, picking up boxes or cartons of soy and rice milk, thinking it’s cow’s milk, going home and not tasting the difference.

Look, people aren’t switching to alternative milks for taste. If you prefer hemp milk to whole milk, then there’s something wrong with your tongue or you’re an aphid. And if you are an aphid who’s learned to read and picked up this Boulder Weekly, we have news for you: Stop leaving tiny holes in the leaves on our trees. Those are our favorite parts.

Anyway, we have some ideas for alternative milk producers for renaming. How about nilk? How about malk? How about “The beverage formerly known as alternative milk, but is no longer able to call itself that because of a well-funded dairy lobby, who, by the way, happens to be destroying the environment through their agricultural practices?” Too on the nose?

Hey, while you’re at it, Evil Corporation Lobby, go ahead and require the kale-heads to no longer call their product “chips” when you cook them in the oven. It’s still kale, dammit.