ICUMI

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

please accept our condolences

On behalf of all of us here at Boulder Weekly, we’d like to extend our heartfelt sympathy to the family of President… err, well, the big guy with the goofy hair who grabs women and lies. Anyway, we’d like to thank him for his service. Obviously he knew what he was signing up for, but we suppose it still hurts when you get impeached. And because it sounds like you might be crying or something and we’re incapable of human emotions, we’d like to promise to send you a check for $25,000. Don’t spend that promise all in one place. Oh, and we should mention that we really hope you find this condolence message comforting — did you see how great our cover looked last week? — in your time of grief and tell everyone how great we are. But, if you don’t find it comforting, don’t even think about complaining out loud or we’ll tweet your grieving asses all the way back to lil’ Jared’s dad’s prison cell. If you don’t say we did the best job comforting you of any newspaper anywhere ever, we’ll make you spend the holidays with Tiffany and give Eric everybody in the family’s phone number. You better effing appreciate us or else. So sorry for your loss.

What was that guy’s name?

Smooth move, Einstein

This week, Albert Einstein’s handwritten “Theory of Happiness” was purchased by somebody who totally understands how to be happy at auction for $1.3 million.

The first line of Einstein’s theory is roughly translated from German as: “If in, like, 95 years, a copy of this shows up at auction, the only way to achieve true happiness is to buy it, copy it and forward it to 12 of your friends. Otherwise, you’ll experience two years of bad luck!!!!!!!”

Much more accurately, the theory translates as, “A calm and modest life brings more happiness than the pursuit of success combined with constant restlessness.” Hey, great advice, Einstein, you should invent a time machine and an anti-death machine and go back and tell yourself that before advocating to build the atomic bomb.

Einstein penned the (actual) one-line theory after being told he’d won the Nobel Prize in Physics. He handed the bit of scribbled wisdom to a bellboy in lieu of a tip, saying, it’ll probably “be worth more than a regular tip” because it came from Einstein himself, which is kind of a dick move.

Moral of the story: Einstein knew a lot about physics, but he was a real blockhead when it came to happiness. Time to take down that poster of him sticking his tongue out, kids.