ICUMI

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

Endless plates of cruelty

In a press release earlier this week, Applebee’s restaurants announced “the long-awaited return of All-You-Can Eat Riblets to kick-off 2018!” But the pain and torment for Longmont residents doesn’t stop there. Applebee’s went on to say that the “riblets are cut from the most tender pork for a delicious bone-in flavor, then slow cooked and served dripping in either Honey BBQ or Spicy Texas BBQ sauce, with Classic Fries and cole slaw.”

And just when you didn’t think it could hurt anymore, the company threw this in: “As an added option, Applebee’s lip-smacking, All-You-Can-Eat Riblets are joined this time by All-You-Can-Eat Chicken Tenders. Guests can enjoy plate, after plate, after plate of either riblets or tenders.”

Wikimedia Commons/Mathias Appel

Make it stop.

What kind of monsters are these people? “Back by popular demand?” All the plates full of meat you can possibly eat? If only it were so simple for Longmontites. If only their beloved Applebee’s could be “back by popular demand.”

Sadly it closed for good in 2013.

You’re too late, riblets.

No endless plates of meat for you, Longmont. It’s all a cruel joke.

Muni gets its funding

A woman in Pennsylvania received a $284 billion electric bill last week. When she brought it to her electric provider, Penelac, the company said, “OK, we know our name sounds like a brand  of medicine for penis leaks, but we did not do this to your bill!”

(For the record, Penelac is owned by Martin Shkreli and each pill costs $284 billion.)

The woman, however, was able to track down the culprits of the inflated bill, when she noticed the email address it was sent from ended with @boulder.gov. And when she did some digging and streamed a recent Council meeting and heard members saying, “We moved some money around and we think we can buy the muni now!” she really started thinking something was fishy.

Documents show it was part of the City’s attempt to “Nigerian scam” their way to the muni. When the woman contacting the City, officials were reported to have said, “Huhhh?” and “Whaaa?” and “Nawww.”

The City is reportedly cold-calling seniors and selling them bogus Penelac prescriptions to pay for the ice skating rink downtown, and is sending out pickpockets disguised as performers on RTD busses to pay for a city-wide EcoPass.

Asked for a comment, a local energy supplier in Boulder said, “None of this would have happened if you all hadn’t passed that muni tax. Way to go.”