ICUMI (In case you missed it)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

Taxes are hard

Look, we get it. Being one of the best soccer player in the world must be really hard. You’re kind of a huge deal in the part of the world that considers soccer a religion, which is pretty much all of the world minus the United States of Football. Between all the World Cups, Olympics and big ol’ trophies, it’s no surprise that Lionel Messi didn’t learn to do taxes.

icumi 1 7-7Wikimedia Commons/M. Calmary

On July 6, a Barcelona court found him, and his dear old daddy, guilty of three counts of tax fraud in the paltry amount of $4.6 million and sentenced them to 21 months in prison.

To be fair you guys, in 2014 he signed a contract with Barcelona for only 20 million euros per season until June 2019. That’s not counting endorsements, which total $28 million, giving him a net worth of a little more than $80 million. According to Forbes, that makes him 2016’s second highest paid athlete in the world, just after Cristiano Ronaldo.

So get off Messi’s back, the guy has come on rough times and he had to cook the books a little.

Thankfully the Spanish court will get off Messi’s back. As it is in the world of celebrities, sports super stars and U.S. presidential candidates who delete bajillions of emails from a private server, Messi will probably face no jail time. Under Spanish law, if sentences are under two years and there is no previous criminal history then time can be completed with probation.

You gotta love those technicalities. Surely Messi will learn his lesson serving time in his soccer ball-shaped mansion — yeah, he has a soccer ball-shaped mansion.

 

Ice cream a no-go

In an effort to make Boulder, well, more Boulder-y, don’t expect to find refreshingly delicious, creamy smooth ice cream products at city parks and rec centers this summer. The summer days of saving up your pennies (these days Benjamins) for the sheer joy of purchasing ice cream at the pool are over. OVER.

Boulder Parks and Recreation has discontinued all ice cream products from its facilities because of large portion sizes and high sugar content.

They are replacing the ice cream machines with wheat grass juicers and kombucha brewers instead, right next to the kale chips variety packs and carrot sticks.

But don’t fret too much. City facilities still have a “bring your own” policy, which means you can fill up that cooler with as many ice cream sandwiches, Drumsticks, individual serving sizes and even whole pints to be consumed at your leisure. Heck, bring out grandma’s ice cream maker and hand-crank some of your own to share with friends. Or you can even alert your friendly neighborhood ice cream truck to circle the premises, acting as a pied-piper drawing all the kids to itself. Or, you can always settle for the lame fresh fruit popsicles still available for purchase.

Next thing you know they’ll ban all your pool noodles and floaties because they’re harmful to the environment. Thanks Obama.