Planned Parenthood thanks you, Mike Pence
Uteruses around the nation quivered with fear on Nov. 9 when the doom twins, Trump and Pence, were elected to lead this nation.
Women around the country stampeded to doctor offices and beat down the doors of their gynecologists chanting, “INTER-UTERINE DEVICES NOW, MYSOGINISTIC FACSIM LATER.” While we admire the initiative of these women to secure their birth control, we figure the amount of sex in America in general will go down significantly, because who’s still in the mood to get busy after seeing the phrase, “President Trump” in print?
But we’re here to say, hey, maybe Trump and Pence won’t be so bad. In an unprecedented move, Pence shocked the country by donating to Planned Parenthood! Not only once, not only twice, but according to the Indianapolis Star, over 20,000 times!
Wow, that’s a lot of health services for women and men! Thanks, Mike Pence, sincerely.
Oh, wait a minute… upon further research, we’re seeing that apparently those donations were made by caring individuals who don’t want to see the many, many, many services of Planned Parenthood be abolished by a conservative, close-minded, misinformed administration. They all must have just misspelled their own names and wrote Mike Pence by accident. Imagine that!
Well, golly gee, I guess Mike Pence doesn’t care about women as much as we thought…
Planned Parenthood confirmed to the Star that they’ve received over 160,000 donations, 12.5 percent in Pence’s name. We wonder if that’ll send a message to the future POTUS and V-POTUS, about where America’s loyalty lies. But they’re probably busy arguing which shade of orange to paint the White House.
What a time to be alive.
Get off Facebook, for the sake of the world
So apparently, many people these days get their news from Facebook. The site that started as a way for college kids to hook up now informs people on the decisions that make our world go ’round. How could that go wrong?
Well, fake news. That’s how.
Facebook received fervent backlash at the amount of fake news that popped up on people’s feeds, masquerading as actual news. When the fact that these fake news stories could have influenced the election was pointed out to Mark Zuckerberg he replied, “Na uh!”
Facebook finally came around to its senses. Joined by Google, the two media giants have pledged to take a stand and try to eliminate the problem.
We here at Boulder Weekly take pride in providing factual news stories, but we want to play too:
“2016 to be erased from history books, replaced with 1959 on a loop”
“Michelle and Melania go shopping, buy matching Juicy Couture track suits”
“Biden watches ‘Home Alone’ in effort to prepare pranks for incoming Trump”
“Delaware to secede because ‘No one would notice anyway’”
“Kanye buys ticket to presidential inauguration, vows to let Trump finish, still thinks ‘Single Ladies’ deserved video of the year”
“Some readers believe Breitbart stories are true”
“Heroin moves to schedule 2 classification, marijuana is pissed”
“Putin declares war on Canada, because ‘Why not?’”
“Canada builds white picket fence along U.S. boarder, replaces border guards with grandpa watering bushes”
“Canada wins the competition for best country, America cries over spilled milk”