ICUMI (In case you missed it)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

Look at all them jobs Trump’s created

America was spoiled with Michelle Obama. It’s a hard act to follow and Melania Trump doesn’t seem up to the task. In alternate America, where the popular vote means something, we’re pretty sure Bill Clinton would have at least been more entertaining to watch.

Melania has made the news multiple times since the election, mainly for costing taxpayers millions of dollars by opting out of moving into the White House. But hey, we don’t blame her on that one. We wouldn’t want to live in the same house with Steve Bannon’s sidekick.

Other coverage of America’s first lady varies from the seemingly desperate faces she makes behind her husband’s back to questioning why she is eating a bowl of diamonds on the cover of Vanity Fair México. Surely even Fruit Loops are more nutritious? Now Mrs. Trump is making news again with her plans to capitalize on her First Ladyship. Because of course she is. If she’s gonna learn anything from her husband, it’s that there’s money to be made off of every opportunity handed to you.

So here are some suggestions she may want to consider: A perfume named “Shame;” sweatpants that read “TRUMP” on the crotch; a picture book of the U.S. Constitution for Republicans, erm, we mean adults who don’t have time to read it. Or she could profit from her husband’s exploits directly: sell counterfeit passports, invest in charter schools or move to North Dakota and “live off the land.”

Either way, Trump will surely grasp this opportunity to brag about all the jobs he’s creating. “Just look at my wife’s new line of fur fanny packs, they’re made right here.” Oy vey.

We surrender

Would someone please explain to the giant orange dick who now occupies the White House that he is actually the President of the United States of America, and as such, he is no longer in a position to personally attack people or companies that he may believe have slighted one of his friends or family members?

Not kidding, this bullshit has got to stop. On Wednesday, Feb. 8, the leader of the free world tweeted “My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom. She is a great person — always pushing me to do the right thing! Terrible!”

Well apparently she didn’t push hard enough because you didn’t go off the effing cliff!

Several things have to happen here. First, we have to concede that the near idiot who has been elected to lead our country is incapable of controlling his impulses whether it’s grabbing a woman’s crotch, insulting our closet allies or tweeting insults at some business he’s decided to pick a school-yard fight with. We’re not joking. He is mentally ill and appropriate steps must now be taken. And we need the Republicans to do it.

So listen up, wealthy white pricks of the elephant party: You can still control everything but it’s time for you to step up to the plate and remove Trump before he destroys the whole world. Come on, you spineless sacks of crap, you’ll still have your crazy boy Pence in charge. You can still take away our healthcare and leave those of us with preexisting conditions in bankruptcy. That’s right, you can still have all your fun: defund Planned Parenthood; put women back in the kitchen and tell ’em to dress like ladies; take us back to the good ol’ days when only white lives mattered; make the corporate tax rate a big fat zero. Do whatever you want — waterboard our sorry asses — just make your mentally ill leader go away. You win. The sane world lost. We are your slaves. Make the pain stop, please.