ICUMI (In case you missed it)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

Sometimes everybody is right

This is one of those times. U.S. Sen. Cory Gardner (R-Colorado) managed to piss off North Korean leader Kim Jong-un by going on the TV program Morning Joe and calling him a “whack job.” He also referred to Kim as “a crazed maniac.”

As the casting of insults go, it’s pretty boring stuff. We’re guessing Gardner also dances like a white guy and eats a lot of potato salad.

Despite the blasé quality of Gardner’s insults, they did manage to get the attention of the baby-faced leader whose head apparently kept growing long after his hairline had screeched to a stop. A few days after Gardner’s pedestrian insults, Pyongyang’s Korean Central News Agency responded, and in our opinion, showed the world what batshit crazy insulting ought to look like.

The Korean response said Gardner had “perpetrated wicked blasphemy” against Kim and that, “For a psychopath like the [expletive] Gardner, to hurl evil accusations at our highest dignity, is a serious problem. … That a man mixed in with human dirt like Gardner, who has lost basic judgment and body hair, could only spell misfortune for the United States.”

We don’t know what being accused of having lost basic judgment and body hair means, but it beats the hell out of Gardner’s insults.

But really, is this about whose insults are best? We don’t think so. In the name of foreign relations, BW would like to say that in this instance, both sides are absolutely right.

And as for Morning Joe, it must be weird to know that the two most insane, narcissistic leaders in the world watch you religiously, Kim and Trump. The only thing weirder would be if Mika and Joe were shacking up.

LIFE IS A JOURNEY, PEE
IN A CUP

United Airlines is offering a new service on all flights — complimentary urination receptacles. With no need to leave your seat to use the restroom, United aims to help valued customers fully immerse themselves in other quality features like reduced leg room, physical violence from employees and overpriced snacks. Star Alliance members receive three free urination receptacles and a small towel to conceal the process from fellow passengers.

Just kidding. Sort of.

On an actual April 10 flight from Houston to Kansas City, Missouri, Nicole Harper, a nurse and mother from Missouri, was refused access to the lavatory during the plane’s descent (FAA rules, folks — this is about safety, and you’ll be thankful even if you are soaked in your own pee). Harper suffers from an overactive bladder, a fact she shared with the flight crew, but to no avail. Upon her suggestion she be allowed to use the restroom or the crew would need to provide her with a cup, the crew indeed provided her with a cup.

Despite Harper not being a Star Alliance member, she was given a second complimentary cup when the first proved too small. But no towel.

United claims its employees never suggested Harper use a cup — but they sure as hell didn’t disagree with her when she suggested it herself.

Other complimentary services we suggest United offer in the near future:

• Mouthguards and kneepads for unexpected removal from the plane

• Small caskets for prize-winning pets killed during flights

• Women’s pants deemed “appropriate” flight attire

• Air mattresses for added comfort while you camp in the terminal after an employee has canceled your flight on a whim.