Earth losing the summer weight, achieving great beach bod
Planet Earth debuted a slimmer new look this week in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
Major reductions in the populations of 9,000 vertebrate species have the Earth looking fit and feeling great. No more shall zebras, giraffes and lions weigh down this literal hottie.
About 200 species have gone extinct in the last century, the study shows, proving that Mother Earth really knows how to lose weight and keep it off.
The Earth credits its weight loss program, “Biological annihilation via the ongoing sixth mass extinction signaled by vertebrate population losses and declines,” for its shocking makeover results.
The Sixth Extinction Diet has already garnered interest from major book publishers who hope to include recipes like “carbon tacos,” “drifting iceberg lettuce wraps” and “avocado toasted Earth.”
There’s good news for us humans: it seems the effects of Planet Earth’s diet are only affecting the populations of stupid animals. Yeah, air quality, drought, superstorms and other freak natural events have taken human lives, but it’s not like we’re going extinct. Right?!
America: Where only the starved survive
Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) suggested this week that funds previously going to food stamp programs and Planned Parenthood could be used to pay for President Trump’s border wall with Mexico.
The idea, of course, is that if you’re going to have unwanted pregnancies and starve to death, you’re going to do it in America, dammit.
King said he expects to take $500 million from Planned Parenthood and another $4.5 billion from food stamps. All the folks who utilize food stamps and Planned Parenthood’s services and voted for Trump were quoted as collectively saying, “At least now we can go to sleep at night knowing Mexicans won’t be coming in to use food stamps and Planned Parenthood.”
The idea reportedly came from a 1940s mental asylum’s plan to take all the money it used on anti-psych medication and lobotomies and whatever crazy medieval crap they were doing back then and use it on extra prickly barbed wire. Of course when the inmates found out, Jack Nicholson led a small revolution and strangled a nurse, and a man named Chief threw a water fountain out the window and walked away.
Pick your poison: Donald Trump or Papa John
Former Broncos quarterback and Forehead magazine coverboy Peyton Manning appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show this week and said he was told by many people not to golf with President Trump.
What he didn’t say was whether people have told him not to appear in commercials with Papa John, which objectively harms his reputation more —something that matters to P-Man, obviously, because at one point he was in every other commercial on TV.
Manning said Trump didn’t cheat while they golfed, which had long been a rumor of the president, stoked only by the fact that his son reportedly said “I love it” when he was posed with the prospect of getting dirt on Hillary Clinton before last November’s election.
One thing we definitely know is Peyton Manning didn’t cheat his final year in the NFL — Papa John’s pizza and a round of golf with Trump looked more appealing than the crap he put out that year.