ICUMI (In case you missed it)

An irreverent view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

Send them our way, please.

There is a county up in Montana, Gallatin County to be precise, sitting on more than three-dozen War-era, emergency fallout shelter sanitation kits. What are those, you millenials might be asking? Basically they are emergency makeshift toilets to be used in the case of nuclear fallout resulting from the imminent start of World War III. The Office of Civil Defense sent the canisters to Gallatin County in January 1964 and each comes with 10 rolls of toilet paper, “to be used sparingly,” 12 packets of “commode chemicals,” some other odds and ends and one pair of plastic gloves. Each canister can supply 50 people, but who knows for how long.

ICUMI 5.5Wikimedia Commons

Gallatin County has finally decided there is no reason to keep them. And apparently the  Department of Defense (which used to house the Office of Civil Defense, now the Federal Emergency Management Agency), doesn’t want the kits either. So some are going to museums, the rest to auction.

Well, we at Boulder Weekly will take the rest, please. We want to be prepared from the potential fallout of a Donald Trump election, given that if he in fact receives the nomination and wins the hearts and minds of more Americans than he somehow already has, he will have the codes to our arsenal of nuclear weapons, many of which are stored in… wait for it… nearby Wyoming. We could just see a Trump presidential slip-up where his hands are hovering over the button ordering the military to fire off those bad boys, when all of a sudden one innocent staffer says something to set him off and down goes the hand. Maybe we’re overreacting. Maybe now that Cruz and Kasich have dropped out of the race, leaving Trump the sole survivor of the GOP, we will in fact have a Democrat president in 2016. But if that turns out to be Hillary Clinton, we are equally screwed.

So Gallatin County, please send the remaining nuclear fallout sanitation kits to 690 S. Lashley Lane, Boulder, CO, 80305. We’ll gladly take them off your hands. Thanks.

“Welcome to Kuwait, we hope you enjoy your stay”

Summer vacation is right around the corner, and that means it’s time to start planning that fun-filled family vay-cay. This year, skip Disney World and go for something more exotic. How about Kuwait? To be fair, it is frequently called “The Disney World of the Middle East.”

So round up the kids and pack your bags and don’t forget those samples of DNA you’re required to provide if you want to enter Kuwait. Think of it as your entrance fee.

Now if you’re wondering why you need to hand over a sample of DNA — not that it’s weird or anything — it’s actually to prevent crime and terrorism. Upon arrival at the airport, you will be asked for a saliva test or a few drops of blood — and you thought taking your shoes off in airport security was bad!

That sample will then be uploaded to a secure database. So, if you’re planning on going on a jaywalking rampage or a littering spree, careful not to leave any DNA at the scene or Kuwait authorities will find you!

But if you want to refuse testing, then you only have to face a $35,000 fine, which multiplied by mom, dad, the twins and baby Jane comes out to a totally manageable $175,000.

This is just the newest marketing scheme from the Kuwait tourism board, which previously used special “gaydar” technology to sleuth out gays and prevent them from crossing its borders. What’s next, Kuwait? A water slide?