Brigham pardoned


So, out of the goodness of his heart, the Boulder city attorney is not going to pursue criminal charges against Seth Brigham, whose freespeech-in-boxer-shorts stunt earned him an arrest and a police escort out of a recent City Council meeting.

Last we checked, it wasn’t against the law for men to go without shirts, even though it’s more common in the summer.

The news release announcing the benevolence of the city attorney’s office states that city council “welcomes public participation during appropriate parts of its meeting …” Shouldn’t that read, “welcomes acceptable public participation during parts of its meeting”?

The release also states that city council has “the authority and responsibility to maintain decorum during its sessions.” Um, we’re pretty sure that First Amendment rights trump “decorum,” especially when it involves one of the most protected forms of speech, criticism of the government.

The release does acknowledge that “a city council member — not the mayor — signaled to a police officer who was providing security at the meeting that he wanted Brigham removed.”

This, the release says, was “a departure from past practice” and, in the closest thing that comes to an apology, City Attorney David Gehr’s offers this canned quote: “We learned from this situation and will work toward applying these standards in a fair and consistent manner. The city remains committed to continue improving all of our public meetings.”

Fairness and consistency would be a good start.

What if it hadn’t been Brigham, a known gadfly who needles the council on a regular basis? What if it had been a rich, esteemed member of the community who stopped by the meeting in the summer, after a run, wearing only jogging shorts? And what if this man were giving the council a compliment on how it handled something? Would he have been arrested?

Judging “decorum” and the “appropriateness” of public comment based on the content of the free speech and the person who is speaking is simply contrary to the principles on which this country was founded.

No fuzzy funbags

Speaking of bare chests, even muppet melons appear to be too much for the conservatives in Colorado Springs.

An agency has rejected posters for a Broadway show called Avenue Q because the posters show the cleavage of a furry puppet, with a “Censored” banner stretched across the area where the nylon nipples would be.

According to the Associated Press, a Lamar Advertising executive said the company takes a conservative approach in Colorado Springs.

Wow, and we thought some Boulder City Council members were uptight in their approach to the whole public nudity issue.

Here’s a city that can’t even stomach Miss Piggy’s milkmakers.

We wonder what they would do with Kermit. He doesn’t even wear pants.

Bogus bazoombas block bullets

Gentle reader, remember that there are many benefits to boobies, even fake ones.

Why, take for example the woman who was recently shot in the chest at a dental office in Simi Valley, Calif. Her cosmetic surgeon says her size-D breast implant absorbed much of the bullet’s impact, limiting most of the injury to the breast and stopping bullet fragments from reaching her heart and other vital organs.

Of course, this surgeon has agreed to perform her reconstructive surgery on the cheap as long as he can generate enough publicity to get implant companies to donate the supplies.

Still, an experienced firearms instructor and deadly-force expert witness attests that a saline implant would probably provide more resistance than plain old flesh.

“I don’t want to say a boob job is the equivalent of a bulletproof vest,” Scott Reitz told the Los Angeles Times. “So don’t go getting breast enhancements as a means to deflect a possible incoming bullet.”

As if L.A. women needed another reason to get breast implants.

We can hear the husbands now. “But honey, it’s for your safety!”

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