ICUMI

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

First Dog for the president of firsts

Pete Souza via Wikimedia Commons

It’s been a particularly bumpy week at the White House, as Trump has insisted he can pardon himself, Press Secretary Sanders was caught in a lie, and the administration pissed off ever-loving Eagles fans. But there may be an answer. Apparently it’s the first time in 100 years there’s not a First Dog, a furry friend living in the White House along with the Commander-in-Chief and his commanderess. And according to pet experts at pet-smooch.com, having a canine companion could really reduce stress in the Trump Administration and lead to more domestic tranquility than the country has seen since January 2017.

Here are a few of their suggestions for what breed our C-in-C should consider.

• Korean Jindo. You know, as an olive branch to North Korea. But it’s risky, given it’s a dominant breed, which Trump could see as a threat to his power.

• Black Russian Terrier. Bred to work with the Russian military, it would be like having a Russian commander in the White House. Bad for the rest of the country, but might put Trump at ease.

• Xoloitzcuintli. An ancient Mexican breed, that is both cheerful and affectionate, could work to smooth over relations with the U.S.’s southern neighbor.

• Portuguese Water Dog. Given Trump’s reported germaphobia, this hypoallergenic dog wouldn’t leave its mark. But it would also be a sign of the Obamas, who owned a few. Maybe that’s a deal breaker.

Bottomless pit

Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons

We have a few suggestions for Scott Pruitt, head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Making headlines this week, the Oklahoman reportedly had an aide try to get a used mattress from a Trump hotel. Another aide called a Chick-fil-A to see about a new business venture for his wife. Both of these new flashes come on the heels of months of investigations into other ethics violation by the EPA chief. So here’s our advice: If you’re going to have your aides do your personal business on the taxpayers’ dime, at least have them do something environmentally responsible.

Maybe they could go through your trash to separate your recycling and compostables. Maybe they can install solar panels on your residences. Have them research and even test drive dozens of EV options for your next vehicle. Make them run to Target and buy you reusable lunch containers, utensils and straws. Plant a garden on the White House lawn, and build a chicken coop. And for the love of God, have them go through the entire capital and rid D.C. of plastic straws so we don’t have to see any more videos of sea turtles suffering at the hands of our consumption.