Love is in the air, and on your skin
Last week, the American Society for Microbiology announced its singular breaking news clip of the year: lovers who sleep together, grow bacteria together. The study, which was conducted using a robust sample of ten heterosexual, caucasian couples, indisputably determined that if you’re living with someone, you’re sharing more than just your toilet paper and leftovers. You are also sharing skin bacteria.
Each square centimeter of your skin, according to the report, hosts somewhere between one million and one billion microorganisms (apparently they are a bit tricky to count) that are totally normal and 99 percent of the time harmless. It’s the rogue one percent that’ll put you down with something like a nasty staph infection.
When the researchers analyzed the skin swab collections, they found that bacteria present on one lover’s skin were “significantly influenced” by the other lover’s microbial communities. Basically, researchers found traces and patterns of microbiomes, not entirely unique to individuals, but unique to cohabiting couples.
Why does this matter? It doesn’t really. But it’s nice to know that we have a new measure of compatibility to help filter our internet dating prospects. I like long walks on the beach and healthy Staphylococcus…
CU badger don’t give a $!#@
Boulder’s usual assortment of urban animals — those endearing deer, raucous raccoons and burly bears — took a morning off to make way for the undisputed king of mean, the world champ of cantankerous carnivores, the American badger.
A lone badger was seen strolling the CU campus on a recent Wednesday morning. Some witnesses say the badger was agitated after he was cited by campus police for attaching his slackline to a tree smaller than one foot in diameter.
“This is why we elected Trump,” one witness quoted the badger saying to the campus police. “Do, like, tree rights matter more than, like, badger rights? This is America, man!”
CU officials warned those on campus not to pester the “rare” and “extremely dangerous” animal. Fair enough, as badgers are known to be especially aggressive with trust fund babies. Officials also encourage folks to refrain from making badger puns.
“It’s just tacky,” CU President Bruce Benson said in a statement to the media.
Because there’s literally nothing else to say about a badger roaming around campus, Benson closed his statement with a list of badger facts:
• Badgers are fossorial, meaning they create many-chambered underground dens.
• They prey on earth-dwelling animals, including rabbits, groundhogs, ground squirrels, mice and snakes, sometimes twice as large as the badger.
• They have very loose skin so they can twist around to escape predators.
• The word “badger” comes from the French word “becheur” meaning “digger.”
• They have a third set of eyelids to keep dirt out of their eyes as they dig.
• They, in fact, do not give a shit.