(IN CASE YOU MISSED IT)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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CITY UNLEASHES NEW “RIGHT-TUBING” PLAN FOR BOULDER COMMUTERS

On the heels of the debut of their right-sizing program, where a handful of two-lane roads throughout the city were reduced to one lane roads with a shared turn lane for cars and big bike lanes for cyclists, the City on Saturday tried out their new commuting program: right-tubing.

With the help of consultants, “Slide the City,” University Hill was turned into a 1,000-foot slip and slide, where tube-commuters were finally given a safe area to ride their tubes to work.

“I just feel safer riding my water tube on Boulder streets now that the city has undertaken this program,” said one Boulder resident. She went on to say, “Wheee!” 

Before the right-tubing plans were unfurled, tube commuters were experiencing stress from aggressive canoe and kayak paddlers.

Elsewhere in the city, Boulder Creek commuters experienced an influx of traffic as the annual “Tube to Work Day” saw hundreds of new tube commuters clog the waterways. In response to complaints from the everyday tube commuters on Boulder Creek, City Council is considering banning the quirky Boulder holiday, and turning one lane from every road into a canal.

The City’s planning department says early data suggests that as a direct result of the right-tubing initiatives, somewhere between one and 800 billion cars were taken off Boulder streets.

“It’s a great success, and we don’t care if it’s stupid,” said the whole city in unison.

WHO WERE AMERICA’S FIRST FOUNDERS?

A new study found that the first Americans came from Siberia about 23,000 years ago, during the last Ice Age.

Researchers from around the globe say that the earliest inhabitants of America came over on an ice bridge, and stayed in North America for thousands of years before some populations headed south. The study was published in the journal Science.

What a load of baloney. 

Everyone knows America was born out of a fever dream Ben Franklin had after eating too much raw colonial dog meat. You can read about it in his diary: “One of my slaves said a very funny thing to me and my nasty French mistress today. He says, he says to me, he says, ‘Ben,’ he says, ‘Tie a key to a kite and invent electricity.’ And I was like, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about but that is the first thing I’m going to do when I wake up.’ Long story short, that young man turned out to be a fire hydrant, and in reality I was passed out, pants-less in the First Continental Congress building. That damned dog meat got me again! Anyway that’s how I came up with America. — Ben Franklin, 1779.”

The new study immediately calls into question if “the Franklin theory,” as scholars call it, is still the leading theory on the creation of America.