(IN CASE YOU MISSED IT)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Courtesy of CPAC Conservative

DOCTOR OF WHAT?

Neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson told ABC News this week that victims of the recent shooting at a community college in Oregon should have rushed the shooter in order to save lives.

It’s the exact kind of leadership we hope Carson can bring to the Oval Office.

But it’s not the first time Carson has made ridiculous comments, and despite that (or maybe because of that) he is surging to the top of Republican polls. Carson once likened “gays” to pedophiles and bestiality enthusiasts. Carson also once compared Obamacare to Nazi Germany before describing it as the worst thing to happen in the U.S. since slavery.

But Carson is forgiven in public opinion, in many ways, because he’s a neurosurgeon. Carson knows this, and he’s toying with us not only in what he says, but how he says it. Carson talks like Jamie Foxx’s portrayal of Ray Charles on pills — all goofy and sleepy but still saying some really messed up things.

But just because you have “doctor” before your name doesn’t mean the things you say are always smart. Dr. Oz got busted earlier this year for promoting bogus health items. Dr. Bill Cosby is dealing with some… stuff. Dr. Phil is going to enter his cocoon and finish his seasonal metamorphosis into a potato pretty soon. And don’t even start with Dr. Pepper. You say you have 23 flavors but all we taste is sugar.

FLORIDA: THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING 

If you’re serious about changing the U.S. government, you’ve done it — walked hundreds if not thousands of miles from your home to the Mojave Desert to spend a week fasting and praying. And we all know the pagan ritual of thanks requires us to sacrifice a goat and drink its blood once we return home.

I mean, if you’re serious about changing the government.

Oh, you’ve never done that? Guess you’re not as serious as politician Augustus Sol Invictus, a Florida Libertarian candidate for the U.S. Senate. The 32-year-old lawyer — whose real name isn’t Augustus Sol Invictus, if you can believe that — admitted to the Associated Press that two years ago he did indeed sacrifice a goat in the California desert.

“I know that’s probably a quibble in the mind of most Americans,” Invictus told AP. “I sacrificed an animal to the god of the wilderness … Yes, I drank the goat’s blood.”

It’s at least a “quibble” in the mind of Adrian Wyllie, chairman of the Libertarian Party of Florida, who thinks Invictus is a poor representative of the Libertarian party.

Invictus admits the FBI, U.S. Marshalls and other law enforcement agencies have investigated him for critical writings and videos about the government. And maybe a few white supremacists support his campaign. And maybe his chosen name is Latin for “majestic unconquered sun.”

Is it possible there’s a candidate too crazy for Florida? Tune in Nov. 2016 to find out.