CHIMPS PROTEST INTELLIGENCE STUDY
A new study led by George Washington University examined about 200 chimpanzee and human brains and confirmed that humans are more intelligent than chimpanzees.
The news was met with a collective sigh of relief from all mankind, but especially from a zoo in West Virginia, where after getting into a shouting and feces-throwing match about who was smarter, a pack of locals were preparing to angrily flip over a chess board after they slowly realized that Koko had put them in checkmate after four turns.
In response to the study, the nation’s only monkey-run advocacy group, the Monkey Center for Observing Chimpanzee Knowledge, or MONKEYCOCK, released a study of their own, citing Keeping up with the Kardashians, ISIS, Buzzfeed, Donald Trump, Taco Bell’s cheesy gordita crunch and the 2001 FOX documentary questioning if we landed on the moon as reasons for humankind’s innate stupidity and inferiority. They also mentioned Tom Hanks, but the monkeys are wrong there. He is an American treasure.
Patches, a spokesman for the group, said that studies like the George Washington one were a waste of time and clearly meant to “give humanity a win.”
“Ooh ooh ahh ahh, ooh ooh ahh,” Patches says to Boulder Weekly, before opening his mouth to reveal a whole mess of mashed plantains. “Ooh ooh, ahh.”
Human researchers are reportedly now working on studies to determine if dolphins are happier than humans, and if sloths like House of Cards as much as we do.
BEN CARSON’S AMERICA
Welcome to Ben Carson’s America.
The land flowing with milk and honey. A land without refugees or immigrants. A land without universal healthcare but with a copious amount of guns. A land without taxes. A land without the #BlackLivesMatter campaign or Planned Parenthood. A land without Donald Trump.
And a land where New York and Vermont have miles of beachfront property, Massachusetts borders Canada and the Delmarva Peninsula is part of Maryland not Virginia.
This is at least according to a map sent out as a tweet by the Ben Carson campaign in support of the 31 U.S. governors refusing Syrian refugees. The map was quickly deleted from social media after twitterers soon caught on to the mishaps. But who knows what will happen if Carson is elected as the Leader of the Free World.
In Carson’s revised map of the good old U.S. of A, California is an island, Colorado is made of volcanoes, Texas is shaped like a middle-finger, Tennessee is flat, the Mississippi River flows through Utah, the state of Mississippi has added extra s’s, i’s and p’s, Alaska is part of Russia (he must have taken geography lessons with Sarah Palin), there’s East Dakota and West Dakota, and there’s no more Delaware, because really, who cares about Delaware.
Keep up the good work, Carson. In no time your “Gifted Hands” could be shaping our world.