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Crisco stock plunges

OK, admit it, we are all thinking the same thing.

Isn’t it perfect — or just wrong — that the man suspected of squeezing into a porta-potty to peep on women at a local yoga festival is named Chrisco?

Our first thought was that he needed some of that slippery stuff to squirm into such a tight space and maybe a bit more for what likely came next.

And how desperate does a guy have to be to sit in a pool of human waste to get a shot of some private parts? Hey dude, here’s a news flash: You can see it for free on the Internet without covering yourself in feces!

Now authorities have unveiled an unsettlingly long list of Boulder establishments that Chrisco allegedly admitted to peeping in. Makes you want to use the men’s room even when the line to the ladies’ bathroom isn’t that long.

And how does that thought process work? “Oh, this nice, clean stall with a peephole just isn’t smelly enough. I think I’m going to live on the wild side and turn it up a notch. And while I’m here in Target, I better pick up a tarp.”

In an interview with Fox 31 News, Chrisco describes “praising God” for the “animal beauty” he saw while peeping: “I don’t know, it seems kind of weird,” he says. (No, Luke, it’s not weird, it’s downright sick and deeply disturbing.) “But I would just find my peace and go away and just, you know, say thank you goddesses, and go about my night.”

And here’s another gem: “The women are sort of the highest creature of the universe, even higher than, like, an eagle.”

Wow. We’re sure the women of Boulder County are feeling flattered.

And violated.

Don’t get too fired up

So, authorities say the Maxwell Fire in Lefthand Canyon this past week was caused by an unattended campfire.

Which part of this don’t you people get? There is high fire danger right now. When you are outside, and you light something on fire, even if it’s just a spliff, make sure it is completely out before you wander off, OK?

And this weekend, when you are lighting everything from sparklers to homemade pipe bombs to Really Rad Rockets with Report, try to remember that sparks and fire grow when they are provided with fuel and, um, air.

Oh, and by the way, it’s usually a bad idea to break the sticks off of a bunch of bottle rockets, tie them together with one long wick and light them near a field of tall, dry grasses. Learned that one the hard way, we did.

Use your heads, even after finishing off that bottle of vino or locally brewed ale. Let’s try to avoid another Fourmile experience, shall we?

Reefer rules

We hope all of you dispensaries, grow operations and infused-product outfits have installed your closed-circuit alarm systems, commercial grade II nonresiden tial locks and digital security cameras.

And the print size on the labels you use to mark your products better be larger than 1/16th of an inch.

These are just a few of the details that the state’s registered medical marijuana providers now have to comply with, according to a 77-page set of regulations effective July 1.

Hey, we’re all about accountability, growing our own and making this a more credible, legitimate industry, but one of the stated goals of the lawmakers who pushed for this type of system was to put a large percentage of dispensaries out of business. It makes you question the point of all this. Is it really about creating a safe (and tax-generating) way for patients to get their medicine, or is this an ideologically driven agenda targeting medical marijuana?