YOU GO JOE!
It’s way too early for us to start announcing our endorsements for the 2014 election, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say we already know who we like for Colorado secretary of state.
And here’s a shocker: It’s not the incumbent.
Hell, the Democrats could put a rump roast on the ballot and we’d choose that candidate over Scott Gessler, who has repeatedly proven himself to be slimier than escargot in bacon grease.
Remember, Gessler is the guy who, only a few weeks into his term, wanted to moonlight with his former election campaign law firm — just a slight conflict of interest there. And he and his cronies have been involved in some campaign tactics around the state that have been, um, questionable, to say the least. He was the attorney representing the right-wing group that sued the city of Longmont over campaign transparency regulations aimed at disclosing candidates’ donors. Gessler also represented Western Tradition Partnership, a conservative group that ran attack campaigns against Democrats, including a Longmont City Council candidate.
So while we would gladly take the rump roast over this character, luckily a much more deserving individual has thrown his hat into the ring. It’s Joe Neguse, probably the most upstanding individual serving on the University of Colorado’s Board of Regents.
Yes, we knew Joe was going places when he was in law school and was a student government leader at CU. We just didn’t know he would be the one to save us from another four years of Gessler.
HAIRSTYLES AND HAND GRENADES
With the Doomsday Expo-Denver opening on Thursday, June 27, comes the rare opportunity to see the often unseen, unnoticed (unless you happen to be shopping at Costco while they’re stocking up on a five-year supply of powdered milk) urban survivalist. The conference, created in partnership with National Geographic’s Doomsday Preppers show — which is hosting auditions at the conference — will showcase plenty of opportunities to learn how to survive in the post-apocalyptic doomsday of your choice (financial collapse, zombies, nuclear wasteland, Sarah Palin as president). But our particular favorite is the advice from an admitted “girly girl” called Survivor Jane. Jane admits to being clueless until her shriveling 401(k) — as well as seriously violent storms she witnessed and “life-threatening assaults” — clued her in to the fact that the world isn’t all manicures and power suits. Some events may, in fact, call for more adequate preparation. Like, to take a cue from her website, camouflage stilettos.
Jane will be attending the conference to give hour-long sessions on multiple days, providing the “girl-talk” version of disaster survival. To sample from the “PrepTorial” articles on her website, her advice could cover such necessary skills as making a “survival bidet” and an easy bathroom soap film remover. Last we checked, soap film was neither fatal on its own, nor likely to increase in the water-short, zero-electricity, food-rationed state of most post-apocalyptic versions of the world. But, just in case!
Our genuine confusion is a sure sign of the likelihood we’ll be on the “golden horde” side of the equation when doomsday finally arrives. Sorry to disappoint, Jane.
For more information — or to order your own survival bracelet in pink camo, possibly embellished with a stiletto charm — visit www.survivorjane.com. Additional information on the Doomsday Expo is at www.doomsdayexpo.com.