Wait, I can’t use an app for that??

0
Strangely, your smart phone isn’t great at medical exams. Who’da thunk?
Wikimedia Commons

Wait, I can’t use an app for that??

Bad news. Once again, our efforts to use our phone for every single human function have been thwarted! It’s 2016, and the people of today already have to lament that we don’t have flying cars or hoverboards or self-lace sneakers or holograms or hydrators that instantly cook food or even Jaws 19.

But now another nail goes in the coffin of technological advancement as a popular phone app folds under the pressure of actually having functionality. The Instant Blood Pressure app was supposed to be an easy way to get your blood pressure reading. Just follow the ultra-medically-scientific steps of placing your smartphone on the left side of your chest while putting your index finger on the camera of your phone. Seems legit.

Well, turns out, not so much. A study done by Johns Hopkins University found that almost 80 percent of people who had clinically high blood pressure were told they had normal blood pressure by the app. It can’t be! Truly astounding that a phone can’t perform the basic functions that actual medical equipment can.

To be fair, there was a warning on Instant Blood Pressure’s website that says the app “is for recreational use only.” So really, the people behind the app were doing the world a favor by creating a new source of entertainment on a Friday or Saturday night — obviously it wasn’t supposed to be for actual medical purposes.

The losers of this app are the people who shelled out $4.99 for a big nothing. But it does make you wonder how these apps get regulated. Maybe it’s time to patent your “Cat Scan 2.0 for $5.99,” “Defibrillator Deluxe for $10.99” or “Prostate Examiner Pro for $1.99.”

Boulderania

Boulder City Council went to Portland and all we got were these stupid bird t-shirts.Flickr
Boulder City Council went to Portland and all we got were these stupid bird t-shirts.

It’s April 28, 2016. Boulder City Council is back from the land of endless grey skies and bookstores bigger than the Pearl Street mall, accompanied by myriad new character traits and ideas they learned from our big sister city, whose role it is to show us the way we should navigate the big bad world.

The group descends on Boulder backed by countless Boulderites in business suits (note the lack of any sort of socio-economic or racial diversity in the bunch), eager to share their new ideas to make Boulder great again.

Matt Applebaum dons a polo shirt and slacks covered in a plethora of birds and the largest grin on his face. “I now have some ideas about how we can really spruce things up around here,” he says, as he clicks his heels together and saunters off.

Andrew Shoemaker sports a new passive-aggressive feminist attitude that leaves a smirk on his face, as he thinks he’s figured out how to make us all do whatever he says.

Jan Burton returns with a new-found knowledge of everything ever written, and consistently starts every comment with “Did you read that article in the…” because, you know, someone has probably already thought of it.

And Aaron Brockett has the best idea yet. What Boulder really needs to do is simply pay adult babysitters to keep all its citizens accountable to the vision of Boulder we all ascribe to.

Who are we kidding? City Council didn’t go to Portland after all… instead they all holed up in a motel room in Greeley watching the entire Portlandia series. Taxpayer’s money well spent.