Call me, maybe?; Bisexual cheating

Dan Savage
LaRae Lobdell of

Dear Dan: Longtime reader and listener (magnum podcast subscriber!) here, and I have a conundrum. My partner and I have a DADT agreement in regards to extramarital relations. I’m a fortysomething woman who travels a lot on business, and I find those trips a great opportunity to have NSA flings with younger men, all in good fun. So far, Tinder seems to be a good way to meet people, and I try to take precautions to ensure they are who they say they are by checking them out on social media and meeting them first in a public place. But a girl can’t be too careful. Sometimes I wish I had someone I could call and just say, “Hey, I’m hosting a stranger tonight at my hotel. Could you call me at a specific time to check he hasn’t chopped me up into little pieces?” My partner can’t be that person because of the whole DADT thing. My friends don’t know about my flings. And the front desk seems inappropriate. Is there an app out there providing this kind of service? Or does someone need to create one?

— Seeks Discreet Call Service

Dear SDCS: A Tinder-like app to hook up random people who are about to hook up with other random people so the randos who met via the Tinder-like app can verify neither was murdered by the randos they met via Tinder itself? Sounds a little complicated, SDCS, and I’m not sure the market for your proposed app is big enough to attract investors. I also don’t think introducing a second potentially unreliable and/or sinister stranger into the mix is going to make your hotel hookups appreciably safer.

Here’s a better idea/simpler life hack: Schedule a wake-up call for an hour or two after your Tinder rando is due to arrive. You can schedule wake-up calls for any time of day, SDCS, and in nicer hotels you can even ask the front desk to ring you personally instead of scheduling a robocall. Just tell the receptionist you’re a heavy sleeper and you need them to verify that you’re awake/alive in time for your big meeting.

Or you could take a risk and confide in a friend about your open marriage, your flings, and your need for a safety buddy.

Dear Dan: I am an Italian bisexual 25-year-old guy. I’m in love with a great guy, but he lives far away, and we see each other only one time per month and sometimes less. A few weeks ago, I had sex with a female university colleague. It wasn’t anything special: She was somewhat drunk and hurt me with her teeth during petting, so I didn’t have a good erection and I didn’t come. But I liked having sex with a woman. I want to do it again, but I love my boyfriend and I don’t want to hurt him. Am I destined to be unfaithful?

— More Or Less

Dear MOL: Italians pet with their teeth? Good to know. Also good to know: yourself. Now, I would never suggest that bi guys can’t honor monogamous commitments — even though I routinely say just that about straight guys, gay guys, straight women and lesbians — but it would be foolish for you to make a monogamous commitment. Not because you’re “destined to be unfaithful,” MOL, but because you’ve already been unfaithful.

Here’s what you know about yourself: You’re bisexual, you want to have sex with women and men, and you don’t want to cheat. Which means you’ll have to either renegotiate the terms of the relationship you’re in now — get your boyfriend’s okay to have sex with a woman once in a while — or end the relationship and find a boyfriend (or girlfriend) who will give you their OK.

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