Cornhole; The perfect match; In need of a therapist

0
Photo credit: Rachel Robinson
Rachel Robinson

Dear Dan: What are your favorite uses for the butt plug besides putting it in your own butt or someone else’s butt?

— Fun Faggy Question

Dear FFQ: They make lovely paperweights, FFQ, and perfectly proportioned pacifiers for adult babies. But at our place, we use decommissioned butt plugs to play cornhole—which is a beanbag toss game that became popular in the Midwest some years after I moved to the West Coast. (It’s true. Google it.) When I was a kid, we were instructed to run from drunk uncles at family picnics who suggested a little cornholing before dinner. But that was then.

Dear Dan: We all have to die, Dan. How would you most like to go?

— Genuinely Not A Threat

Dear GNAT:  In a tragic rimming accident.

Dear Dan: My partner and I got married last weekend. For his vows, he wrote a hilarious, wonderful song. (He’s a professional singer in Los Angeles, so the song was pretty spectacular.) I’m a Femme Dom who loves ropes, while he’s pretty vanilla. Despite that, we’ve had a dynamite sex life for the last eight years, in part because he’s so GGG. Early on, I got him to start reading your column, and that concept made a huge impression on him. Here’s the verse from his song/vows that you inspired: “Now next I should obey you / But that one’s a little tricky / I’m what you call “vanilla”/ And on top of that I’m picky / Instead of blind obedience / I hope it’s understood / I promise to continue / Being giving, game, and good!” Thanks for all you do!

— Beloved Revels In Dan’s Love Education

Dear BRIDLE: Congrats on your wedding, BRIDLE, and thanks for a lovely note — one that will give hope to kink-discordant couples everywhere. Perfect fits, sexually speaking, are rare. But whip a little GGG into the mix, and that imperfect fit can become a perfect match!

Dear Dan: I’m a 26-year-old gay male, and I like to explore my feminine side by wearing female clothes. I have a boyfriend who likes to do the same thing, but he doesn’t have the courage to tell his parents that he’s gay and explores his feminine side by wearing female clothes. I want to adopt early school-age boys and teach them that they can explore their feminine side by wearing female clothes. My question has two parts. First, in regard to my boyfriend, how can I encourage him to tell his parents he’s gay and wants to explore his feminine side by wearing female clothes? Second, in regard to adopting early school-age boys, how do I teach an early school-age boy that it’s okay for them to explore their feminine side by wearing female clothes and also teach them that they don’t have to be gay at the same time?

— Dressing A Future Together

Dear Dan: Wear whatever you like, DAFT, but please don’t adopt any children — boys or otherwise, early school-age or newborn, not now, probably not ever. Because a father who pushes his son into a dress is just as abusive and unfit as one who forbids his son to wear a dress. You two don’t need kids, DAFT, you need a therapist who can help your boyfriend with his issues (the closet, not wearing female clothes) and help you with yours (your extremely odd and potentially damaging ideas about parenting, not wearing female clothes).

Before I sign off: a big thank you to the Dan Savages who filled in for me while I was on vacation — Dan Savage, Orlando-based sportswriter; Dan Savage, London-based theatrical marketing executive; and Dan Savage, Brooklyn-based designer. You guys did a great job!

And here’s something clients of sex workers can do without going public: The Sex Workers Outreach Project (SWOP) is running a pilot program to help incarcerated sex workers. Send a book to an imprisoned sex worker, become a pen pal, or make a donation by going to SWOPbehindbars.org and clicking on “10 Ways to Help Incarcerated Sex Workers.” Non-clients are welcome to help, too!

Send questions to mail@savagelove.net and follow @fakedansavage on Twitter.