Dear Dan: I am currently separated. A few months after I moved out, my estranged wife found out that I cheated on her before we got married. I was a CPOS. I feel horribly guilty and would like to think I’ll never do it again. The question is: When and what should I disclose to future partners?
— No Clever Acronym
Dear NCA: There’s no need to disclose this to future partners. Everyone makes mistakes — and the mistake you made, while a deeply painful betrayal of your then-girlfriend and presumably a violation of a premarital monogamous commitment, is a thoroughly common one. Human beings aren’t used cars — we aren’t obligated to disclose every ditch we drove ourselves into before we resell ourselves. You didn’t fuck around on your ex habitually, you’re not a serial cheater, and you never violated your marriage vows. So there’s that. Resolve not to make this mistake again — make only new ones — and stuff that incident down Ye Olde Memory Hole.
Dear Dan: I hooked up with this hot married couple. We’d done it before, and my expectations were shaped by previous (fun) experiences with them. But the sex wasn’t good this time. That would be fine — sometimes it just doesn’t work, and I am an adult about it — but for the specific reason it wasn’t good: The husband came on my face after I specifically told him not to do that. I used my words. He still blew a load in my face and then sheepishly kinda apologized afterwards. He said he didn’t mean to do it and that he was aiming at my boobs. I do not believe it for a second. It was an “ask for forgiveness, not for permission” kind of thing — I could see that on his face. He looooves facials. So that sealed my decision to not sleep with them again, which I told them about. I consider a load in my face against my will to be a big violation of my trust/friendship. The couple thinks I’m overreacting and that a load in your face should be a forgivable offense. I’m not going to change my mind, but I am curious what you think about sneaky facials.
— Unwanted Semen Angers! Unicorn Seeking Advice!
Dear USA!USA!: Sneaky facials are sneaky, and I don’t approve of sneakiness in the sack. People should be straightforward and direct; they should communicate their wants, needs, and limits clearly; and we should all err on the side of solicitousness, i.e., drawing new sex partners out about their wants, needs, and limits, because some folks have a hard time using their words where sex is concerned.
You used your words, USA!USA!, and this dude violated your clearly communicated wants, needs, and limits. I’m glad you let them know you were upset and why you weren’t going to see them again. Single women who want to hook up with married couples are hard to come by and in — that’s why you’re called unicorns — and his selfish disregard for your limits, his clear violation of your trust, cost them a unicorn.
Dear Dan: I have two questions. (1) I saw a sex worker for a legit sensual massage that turned into fooling around. Once that happened, he mentioned “making” straight guys have sex with him, wanting to give massages to teenagers, and he talked dirty about younger boys. I know this could all be provocative fantasy talk, but I had a weird feeling about him before meeting. Who would I even disclose this to if that were the right thing to do, and how would I do so while protecting his (should be legal) right to trade ass for cash? (2) Furthermore, I’m a thirsty genderqueer girl plotting her escape from a suburban town. I’m not going to be here long enough to look for an LTR. How can I satisfy my lust safely? It seems like every time I hook up with someone, they disclose intense drug use or other risky behavior after the fact.
— Fantasizing Lecherously About Good Sex
Dear FLAGS: (1) There’s no licensing board for sex workers — there’s no accrediting organization, no sex-work equivalent of the legal profession’s bar association (and most sex workers would oppose the establishment of one) — so there’s nowhere you can go to report this guy. If he confessed to an actual crime, FLAGS, you could go to the police, and they might even do something about it. But the police are unlikely to get involved if he was just fantasizing; it’s not against the law to engage in dirty talk, even extremely fucked up/ickily transgressive/NOT OKAY dirty talk.
(2) Masturbation is the safest way to satisfy your lust until you get your ass out of that druggy suburb full of risky-sex junkies and to the big city, where we urbanites drink only hot tea, snort only in derision and use only condoms religiously.
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