Dear Dan: I’m 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend (also 28) for three years. Our relationship is monogamous and vanilla. I’m a pretty sexual person: I’ve been to bondage clubs and burlesque shows, and I’ve had my fair share of sexual encounters with men and women. I like to dominate and be dominated. However, my boyfriend is non-aggressive, non-dominating, and non-initiating. I ALWAYS have to initiate and I’m ALWAYS in the driver’s seat. I’m tired of this. I enjoy strong masculine energy! I’m a feminist, but sometimes in the bedroom it can be incredibly hot to feel like a sex object. We’ve talked and talked, and tried some light bondage (he didn’t like it), and talked about a threesome (he’s opposed). He says sex just isn’t something he “thinks about a lot.” How do I get him to show some sexual aggression?
— Wants Him Aggressive More
Dear WHAM: Keep reading, WHAM.
Dear Dan: My husband of 17 years has never been into sex — which I always knew was a problem, but the other stuff was good. He’s into pornography, though, and I’ve busted him many times. To say I am resentful is an understatement. He uses corn oil for masturbating, and I’ve been reduced to marking the bottle and booby-trapping it to see if he’s been up to his tricks. We have two children, so that’s what keeps me from “pulling the trigger.”
— Gagging In Chicago
Dear GIC: You have three options.
1. Pull the trigger.
2. Redefine your marriage as companionate — it’s about child-rearing and family life, not about sex. If your husband is free to find fulfillment in the bottle (of corn oil), and you’re free to find fulfillment in the bedroom (of another man/men), maybe you can make it work.
3. Continue with what you’re doing now — your husband sneaking off to have a wank, and you monitoring (and booby-trapping?!?) every bottle of corn oil that comes into the house.
WHAM: Your boyfriend isn’t going to become someone else — he’s not going to suddenly become more interested in sex or more sexually aggressive — so if you don’t want to be sending me a letter like GIC’s in 14 years, end this relationship. People who want healthy, functional, monogamous LTRs — free from booby traps and busts — need to prioritize sexual compatibility at the start. That doesn’t mean things can’t go off the rails later (see the first letter), but they’re less likely to.
Dear Dan: I desperately wanted to be GGG in my past relationship. My partner chronically complained that I wasn’t giving him enough sex. I felt so guilty that I put up with some very coercive situations. I became an orgasm dispenser for a dumbass whose beard prickled my clit painfully, who complained my G-spot moved around, and who fell asleep fingering me. I put up with his shit for far too long. It would have been helpful to be told that GGG needs to be MUTUAL and feel good for both parties.
—Sassy Unconquered Babe
Dear SUB: GGG — good in bed, giving of pleasure and game for anything within reason — is what we should be for our partners and our partners should be for us. So it absolutely needs to be mutual, SUB, and there are definitely limits.
“Being GGG means considering a partner’s reasonable sexual requests,” I responded to a reader who asked for a GGG clarification back when we had a brand-new and completely sane president. “Not all sexual requests can be fulfilled, and not all needs can be met. But two people who want to make their relationship work need to carve out a mutually satisfying repertoire that doesn’t leave anyone feeling frustrated or used. Does everyone get everything they want? Of course not. But each of us has a right to ask for our needs to be met (without being abusive or coercive) and the responsibility to indulge our partner’s reasonable requests if we can (without being abused or coerced). We should also recognize when the gulf is too great and end the relationship rather than engaging in sex acts that leave us feeling diminished and dehumanized.”
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