Dear Dan: I have been with my unicorn boyfriend for four months. The sexual chemistry between us is out of this world! I’m a woman who’s very open-minded when it comes to trying new things: I’ve had threesomes and foursomes, tried every toy on the market, done anal sex, BDSM, and many other things. He is sexually experienced, but he’s not open-minded. One thing he won’t do is kiss me after I’ve swallowed his load. We’ve been together only four months, so maybe I just need to wait and hope that he’ll come around. Or is there something I can do to get him to try it?
—Can’t Unicorn Man Up
Dear CUMU: If that’s the only thing he won’t do — if every toy on the market is on the table, along with threesomes, foursomes, BDSM, etc. — then he’s pretty adventurous. But if kissing after you’ve swallowed is the only mildly kinky thing you’ve attempted with him and it was a no, he may not be adventurous enough to deserve unicorn status. But I will say this in his defense…
Kissing someone who has just swallowed your load (or snowballing with someone who wants you to swallow your own load) presents a challenge for many men. Some silly straight men worry that tasting their own come will turn them gay or make them look gay — I’ve gotten letters from girlfriends who thought their boyfriends were gay because they were too willing to kiss them after a blowjob. But there are gay men out there who don’t want to deep-kiss the guy who just blew them — and they’re obviously not worried about turning gay (already are) or seeming gay (ditto). So what gives? Blame what’s known as the “refractory period,” CUMU. Immediately after a man ejaculates, his dick starts to go soft and he loses all interest in sex — hormones have been released into his bloodstream that short-circuit sexual arousal. Bodily fluids and orifices a man was happily lapping up or at a minute ago are suddenly repulsive, not because the dude is necessarily inhibited or insecure, CUMU, but because he’s having his period — his refractory period.
Dear Dan: I’ve been seeing this guy who keeps making D/s-ish jokes and moves — he smacks my butt a lot, for example. When I let him know I like it, he’s suddenly not into it. He says it’s “disturbing” that I like what he’s been doing. Two questions: 1) Smacking my butt is OK so long as I don’t want it? 2) Enjoying what he’s doing makes me a freak?
—Joking About Consensual Kinks
Dear JACK: Two options: 1) He goes in for domineering head games and “playful” violence because he’s abusive and controlling. 2) He’s got kinks, but he hasn’t managed to incorporate his kinks into his sex life in a healthy, consensual manner — and now that he knows you enjoy the same things he does (but you’re healthier about them than he is), he’s projecting his self-loathing onto you. Either way, JACK, you’re going to need to DTMFA.
Dear Dan: You recently said it’s OK to fantasize about other people so long as we keep it to ourselves. Social media and dating apps have given us access to tons of spank material, from that new crush on OkCupid to the (monogamously) married neighbor you always wanted to bang. In this era, we can see actual pictures of the people we’re fantasizing about more often than not. Facebook stalking for spank bank purposes is fine — we all do it — but does it cross a line to actually download the pictures for later? I feel like it’s at least a little creepy to be taking screenshots of people’s photos. But as long as you’re the only one using your phone, what’s the practical difference between looking at Facebook and looking at saved screenshots?
—Screenshot Porn As New Kontent
Dear SPANK: Keep whatever you want on your phone, SPANK, so long as you keep it to yourself and your phone is password protected.
Send questions to email@example.com, follow @fakedansavage on Twitter and visit ITMFA.org.