Racist partner; Gay bar bachelorette parties; Secret stash of porn featuring wife

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Dan Savage
LaRae Lobdell of PhotoSister.com

Dear Dan: I’m 33, blah blah blah, and live in a big city. I’ve been dating an age-appropriate person for a year and a half. Everything seemed fine (great sex, common interests and hobbies, similar work ethic, we even talked about raising children), but my partner is so damn angry and full of hate. Mostly it manifests itself in racism, and I really don’t like it. He says that I “don’t understand,” like he’s gone through experiences that would justify wholesale prejudice against entire groups of people. The passing of David Bowie has accentuated these differences between us. I want to live better and brighter, to love more, but my boyfriend just keeps hating. He’s unrelentingly racist. I shouldn’t have children with him — right? Better to be 33 and alone — right? This racist stuff is a deal breaker — right? DTMFA — right?

—Racist Anger Gradually Ends Relationship

Dear RAGER: Right.

Dear Dan: My best female friend is marrying her boyfriend in March and wants to go on a gay bar crawl on the night of her bachelorette party. She says it won’t be a problem because, as a bi woman, she’s part of the LGBT community too and because gay people can get married now. As a gay man, Dan, do you oppose bachelorette parties in gay bars?

— Queer And Questioning

Dear QAQ: I oppose bachelorette parties in gay bars — or anywhere else, QAQ, and I feel the exact same way about bachelor parties.

Dear Dan: My wife and I have an amazing relationship. Our sex life is as hot as it can be given a child and two careers. A couple of years ago, I bought her one of those partial-body sex dolls (it has a cock and part of the stomach). We took videos and pictures while using it. Very hot for both of us. We later got a black version of the same toy. (We are white.) Even hotter videos. I have kept the videos in a secure app on my iPad. Over the past year, I have created Photoshop porn of my wife with black men using screenshots from commercial porn. I haven’t shared this with my wife. We never discussed what to do with the videos and pics we made. I assumed she trusted me not to share these images with anyone. (I haven’t and won’t!) Is it OK that I have a porn stash that features my wife? Is it OK that I have a stash of Photoshop porn of my wife fucking black men? Should I share this info — and my fantasies — with her? I’ve always fantasized about her being with a black man, but I’m not sure either of us would truly want that to happen.

— Secretly Keeping Encrypted Porn That Isn’t Clearly Allowed Lately

Dear SKEPTICAL: You need to speak to your wife about those pics and videos, about the way you’ve manipulated them, and about your fantasies — but that’s a lot to lay on her at once, SKEPTICAL, so take it in stages.

Find a time to ask her about those old pics and videos and whether she wants them discarded or if you can continue to hang on to them. At a different time, bring up your racially charged fantasies and let her know what those partial-body sex dolls were doing for you. And finally, SKEPTICAL, if she reacts positively to your having held on to the photos and to your fantasies, ask her how she feels about you creating a few images using Photoshop of her hooking up with a black man for fantasy purposes only. It’s a little dishonest — you’re asking for permission to do what you’ve already done — but you’ll know what you need to do if her answer to the Photoshop question is “No, absolutely not!” (To be clear: You’ll need to delete those Photoshopped pics.)

All that said, SKEPTICAL, if the images you’re holding on to — the originals and/or the manipulated ones — could destroy your marriage and/or your wife’s life and/or your wife’s career if they got out (computers can be hacked or stolen, clouds may not be as secure as advertised), don’t wait: Delete all of the images now.

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