Dear Dan: I have two questions.
1. Recently, I went to a bar with my brother and encountered a friend from high school. My brother told me that, toward the end of the night, my friend followed him into the bathroom and made a drunken pass at him (which apparently involved a clumsy grab at his penis). My brother has no reason to lie about the incident. My inclination is to ignore the issue. If my friend is closeted or bi-curious, I feel like it isn’t my place to force the issue and I should respect his privacy. Advice?
2. My bisexual girlfriend wants to take me to a gay bar. I’m not worried about being hit on, but I feel like hanging out at a gay club would be somewhat dishonest and touristy. Is my apprehension warranted?
—Basic Respect Offered Sincerely
Dear BROS: 1. If your drunken, closeted friend had shown some respect, BROS, and managed to make a drunken-but-respectful pass at your brother, then I could endorse respecting your friend’s privacy in turn. But your friend cornered your brother in a toilet and grabbed his cock. That’s not okay, and someone needs to make it clear to your friend that there are consequences for behaving like that — outing himself to you as gay or bi and an asshole was the consequence this time, BROS, but someone needs to tell him that he could wind up assaulted and/or facing sexual-assault charges if the drunken cock-grabbing continues.
2. Most gay men don’t mind seeing girls with their straight boyfriends in gay dance/party bars and clubs, BROS, but girls and unavailable/apprehensive straight boys ruin the vibe in darker, sleazier gay pickup joints. So stick to the party palaces (dance floors and drag shows), avoid the pickup joints (hard rock and trough urinals), and you’ll be fine.
Dear Dan: I suspect my boyfriend of seven months loves his 9-year-old dog more than me. I am 54 and divorced twice. He is 57 and has been divorced three times. I am jealous of the way he treats and talks to his dog. I have even told him so. Is it worth my time and energy to wait around for my boyfriend to start treating me better?
—Neglected Human Girlfriend
Dear NHG: Your boyfriend has been “with” his dog for nine years, NHG, and he’s been with you for only seven months. Considering his rocky track record with other human females — married and divorced three times — it’s understandable that he might be less self-conscious about showing affection for his dependable old dog than for his brand-new girlfriend. You don’t mention what he’s doing for his dog that he doesn’t do for you (table scraps? Belly rubs? Shock collars?), NHG, but the longer you “wait around,” the more demonstrably affectionate your boyfriend is likely to become. But I can’t imagine he’ll want you around at all if you continue to waste time and energy being jealous of his dog.
Dear Dan: My fiancé and I recently shared some kinks and are now trying to realize each other’s fantasies, but we’re having trouble making one of his happen: He wants to see me oiled up and glistening. Do you have any idea what we ought to be using to get a glossy, oiled-up look that lasts? On a more general note, is there a name for the kink for glossy, formfitting things? He’d also like to see me in a super-shiny catsuit made of latex, leaving nothing to the imagination.
—Wants To Shine
P.S. A latex catsuit is out because we’re poor students and can’t afford one!
Dear WTS: Bodybuilders grease themselves up with baby oil — which gets all over everything and requires frequent reapplication. But there’s a less messy way to achieve the super-shiny look that turns your boyfriend on: Google “shiny zentai suit” and “metallic zentai suit,” and you’ll find dozens of websites that sell catsuits made out of Lycra, not latex, which are easier to put on than latex catsuits, far easier to clean, and a hell of a lot cheaper. At Zentaizone.com, just one of many sites, you’ll find dozens of different zentai suits for less than $50, with some less than $25. Even a poor student could afford a couple of those.
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