Dear Dan: I am a 38-year-old married woman. My husband of 18 years is 22 years my senior. I credit my husband for giving me a good life and helping me pursue goals. But my husband is a type A professional, and that has played out in the bedroom. He has always been disinterested in my pleasure. If I ask for oral, he tells me to “clean it really, really well,” then he’ll “think about doing that.” This makes me feel disgusting. If I initiate or get on top, he loses his erection because I am “attacking him.” A few months ago, I told a friend that I had never once received “enthusiastic oral.” She said it made sense that my husband didn’t enjoy doing it because it was a “domination thing” that mostly submissive men enjoy. A little information can be a dangerous thing. I started visiting online domination forums. I hinted about these interests to my husband and got shot down (of course). This is a huge contrast to my new “online friends,” who would love to meet and orally service me. I have spoken to each of them on the phone and exchanged hundreds of e-mails. I want to take this into “real life.” This is the happiest I have been in my entire life, and I want to act on these desires. My husband is my only concern. He’s my best friend. I don’t want to lose that. How do I deal with this?
Don’t Offend My Man Ever
Dear DOMME: A man who demands “rapey” sex on his schedule for 18 years, makes his wife feel bad about her genitals, and isn’t open to trying new things is begging to be cheated on. So go get some enthusiastic oral from those sub males, DOMME, you deserve it.
On the other hand… you say your rapey, pussy-disparaging, sex-shaming husband is your best friend (baffling!) and you don’t want to lose him (equally baffling!). And without a doubt, a guy with his retrograde attitudes about sex, gender roles, and “wifely duties” would divorce you if he found out you cheated on him — and some days it feels like most people who cheat get caught — so you probably shouldn’t take this into “real life,” as it could nuke your marriage.
But on the other other hand… your husband sounds like the type of guy who would regard your secret online life as cheating and divorce you just the same if he found out. So you might as well go ahead and fuck those subs, DOMME, because if you get caught — and you probably will — you’ll be in the same trouble whether or not you got some enthusiastic oral in “real life.”
Dear Dan: I’m a 25-year-old woman who can only get off lying facedown and rubbing my clit against a pillow. The orgasms are great, but it limits the ways I can get off with my husband. For instance, the only way I can orgasm during sex is being on top and rocking back and forth on him in a similar manner. I’ve never climaxed during oral or hand stimulation, or in any other position. All of that feels nice, but I never climax. How can I teach myself to masturbate correctly? I’ve been reading up online and hearing conflicting suggestions — and most of them are for men. It’s all very stressful, and I’m terrified of never being able to get off the conventional way since I’ve been doing this since childhood.
Can’t Really Use Direction
Dear CRUD: Forgive the mixed messages I’m about to send you, CRUD.
I’ve advised guys with Death Grip Syndrome — aka Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome — to use a lighter touch and a lot of lube. (Not all of these guys are clenching their dicks too hard; some are rubbing up against pillows like you, CRUD, or even — my personal favorite — sliding their dicks between mattresses and box springs.) But here’s the difficult part: If they can’t come with the lighter touch and more lube, they don’t get to come. No reverting to a tightly clenched fist (or a pillow) after 20 minutes of “trying.” Allow the pressure and frustration to build long enough, and a dick will adapt. They may have to keep at it for months, plural. .
My advice for you, CRUD, is the same as my advice for the boys: If you want to learn how to get off in other ways, masturbate regularly — constantly — but without the pillow. If you don’t come, you don’t come. Focus on the pleasure you are able to achieve, and give it at least three months. It’s a very good sign that you aren’t entirely dependent on a pillow — you can get off with/on your partner. Most people with TMS aren’t so lucky. And it’s a lot less awkward to grind on your partner pillowstyle than to shift from penis-in-vagina sex (PIV) to penis-in-between-mattressand-box-spring sex.
That said, some people with DGS/ TMS simply aren’t able to retrain their junk. You may have to accept that this is how your orgasms happen — and let go of the shame.