Dear Dan: I have been happily married for 12 years. I’m deeply in love with my wife — she’s amazing, very sexy and gorgeous. I used to be jealous, but about six years ago, I lost my feelings of jealousy. In their place, I developed a strong desire to share my wife with other men. It’s my only fantasy. She knows about this, but she says it’s wrong. I never asked her to actually do it. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
— A Shamed Husband, A Marital Erotic Deadlock
Dear ASHAMED: Objectively speaking, ASHAMED, there’s nothing wrong with your fantasy — hell, there would be a fuck of a lot right with your fantasy if your wife were turned on by it. So when your wife says, “It’s wrong,” try and hear what she should be saying: “It’s wrong for me.”
And if you’re the optimistic type, ASHAMED, you can opt to hear, “It’s wrong for me at the moment.” There are lots of women out there happily cuckolding their husbands — or happily playing the role of hotwife — who rejected the idea when their husbands first shared their fantasies. Don’t allow yourself to be shamed — “It’s not wrong, honey, but I understand it’s wrong for us” — and don’t pressure your wife to do it, and she may surprise you one day.
Dear Dan: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I moved in a year ago, and we have been happy living together since. During the past year, I’ve come across a lot of his ex’s old belongings — letters and pictures. It’s not like I snoop. He’s kind of a hoarder, and I frequently find this stuff tucked in books or drawers. It’s starting to frustrate me. I long ago threw away most of my ex’s things, and the stuff I did keep is stored in a box that’s out of sight and mind. I don’t necessarily want him to throw all this stuff away, but I want to feel comfortable in our shared environment. I also want to be able to think about our life together and not his past. How do I communicate this?
— Ex’s Various Items Disturb Entirely New Couple’s Environs
Dear EVIDENCE: I’m like your boyfriend — not a hoarder, but definitely a tucker. I tuck letters and photos and other keepsakes into books, stuff them in the backs of drawers, set them on shelves or beside the rest of the tchotchkes. I do this because (1) I’m not organized/depressed enough to scrapbook, and (2) I like running across old photos or letters when I’m looking for something else.
Perhaps your boyfriend feels the same way — or maybe your boyfriend is a hoarder and a slob. Either way, EVIDENCE, my advice is the same: Own up to your insecurities — tell him that there’s nothing about his past that should prevent you from enjoying your present — and then ask him to make a reasonable accommodation. Tell him you would like to place his ex’s pictures and letters, as you run across them, into a box that’s clearly labeled and easily accessed, but out of sight and mind.
If he says yes, EVIDENCE, take that yes for an answer. That means putting whatever you find away, refraining from griping at your boyfriend about the stuff he chooses to hold on to, and reassuring yourself that a day will soon come when your shared environment is completely ex-proofed.
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