Dear Dan: I am a straight male, married to a woman for 25 years. Our marriage started to go sour about 14 years ago. Sex was infrequent and stultifying. Finally, when the kids were old enough, I made plans to separate. When my wife got wind of these plans, she finally agreed to work on our relationship. We had long and heartfelt conversations. Things got better. Sex got more frequent, if not more exciting. Then I saw a letter referencing cuckolding in your column in the Coast, the weekly paper here in Halifax. I mentioned it to my wife. She asked me to read it to her. This led to a conversation about the possibility of introducing cuckolding into our relationship. She agreed after she made certain it was something I really wanted. She now has a guy in mind. My first choice for this scenario would be all three of us having sex. My second choice would be he and I having sex with her. The third would be me watching. The last would be them having sex and me hearing about it afterward. She has opted for the last option and is reluctant to share all the details. She has asked me why her having sex with another man is so exciting. She speculated it is because I have a big ego — if other men want her, her value is higher. That sounded weird to me. For me, it is all about sex. The idea of her letting another guy in, going down on him, etc. is exciting to me. We will be breaking the rules for what married couples are supposed to do. I have been on cuckolding websites. It seems a lot of guys go in for humiliation. Some claim they have small dicks and want a larger man to satisfy their wives. None of those things apply to me. I just think it is hot, exciting sex. My question: Has there been research into cuckolding? Why do husbands find it hot and desirable?
—Clearly Understanding Cuckold Kink
Dear CUCK: “There hasn’t been a lot of research into the cuckolding phenomenon,” said David J. Ley, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and the author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them. “Historically, men whose wives cuckolded them were publicly humiliated, and their wives were often severely punished. It is only in the past decade or so that this fantasy has catapulted itself into the public consciousness, largely due to an intersection of female sexual liberation and the ability of the Internet to allow men with these fantasies to find each other and learn they are not alone.”
Because of this history — cuckolded men publicly shamed, cuckolding wives brutally punished — there hasn’t been much nonjudgmental, non-sex-panicky research into men with your desires, CUCK. Ley’s book represents the first comprehensive effort to explore your particular kink.
“CUCK’s wife is right,” said Ley, “in that many men do get an ego boost out of sharing their ‘hot wife.’ But there are many other motivations as well. Some men are into the idea of cuckolding and humiliation, in a masochistic way. Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who masochism was named after, explored this fantasy specifically for the humiliation of it.”
Men who enjoy the humiliation aspect of their wives sleeping with other men tend to identify with the term “cuckold,” CUCK, while men who are into the hot, exciting sex aspect — men like you — tend to identify as “hotwifers.”
“There are lots of men who explore this fantasy just because they think it’s very sexy to imagine or see their wife having hot sex with someone else and being fully satisfied,” said Ley. “One very interesting biological theory for this is related to the concept of sperm competition. Essentially, the theory goes that men get physically aroused when they know that their sperm might have to compete with those of another man, in order to possibly (even theoretically) impregnate a woman. In such circumstances, the men thrust harder and deeper during sex, they ejaculate harder, and their ejaculate contains more sperm.”
As for your wife’s restrictions — you can’t be there, she’ll share some details but not all— Ley thinks your wife is testing you. “She’s setting boundaries,” said Ley. “She wants to see how serious CUCK is, how he’s going to react. And she’s also establishing some level of independence. It’s her body and her sexuality, too, after all.” Ley thinks you guys are coming at this from a good place. Your marriage is on the upswing, you’re talking about your desires openly and honestly, and you’re willing to compromise. “I’ve worked with couples who have made this fantasy and lifestyle work,” said Ley. “And the key component is communication, grounded by mutual trust and respect. If you pursue this, do it with honest communication on both your parts.”
You can follow Dr. Ley on Twitter @DrDavidLey.