Stranger things

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Photo credit: Rachel Robinson
Rachel Robinson

Dear Dan: I’m a lady considering taking on a foot fetishist as a slave. He would do chores around my house, including cleaning and laundry, and give foot rubs and pedicures in exchange for getting to worship and jack off to my model-perfect feet when I’ve decided he’s earned it. Am I morally obligated to tell my roommates? Technically the guy would be in their common space too. I will fully vet him with references and meet him in a neutral location at least once — and anything else you might suggest I do for security’s sake. Though my roommates are not what you would call conservative, I’m not sure they’d understand this kind of arrangement. I would have my slave come over when no one is around, and then my roommates could come home to a sparkly clean common area! My slave would never have access to their personal spaces, nor would I leave him alone in any area of our home until a strong bond of trust had been established. No harm, no foul? Or am I crossing a line?

—Man Into Cleaning A Shared Apartment

Dear MICASA: A friend in Berlin has a similar arrangement. This guy comes over to clean his apartment once a week and — if my friend thinks he’s done a good enough job — my friend rewards him with a knee to the balls. It’s a good deal for both parties: My vanilla-but-kink-adjacent friend gets a sparkly clean apartment (which he loves but doesn’t want to do himself), this guy gets his balls busted on a regular basis (which he loves but can’t do himself). But my friend lives alone, MICASA, and that makes all the difference. Or does it?

Time for some playing-games-with-foot-fetishists theory: If you were having sex with a boyfriend in the common areas of your apartment when your roommates weren’t home — let’s say your boyfriend (or even some rando) wanted to fuck you on the kitchen floor — you wouldn’t be morally obligated to text your roommates and ask their permission. But we’re not talking about a normal guy here or normal sex — we’re talking about a fetishist who wants to be your slave. Does that make a difference? It might to people who regard kinksters as dangerous sex maniacs, MICASA, but a kinky guy isn’t any more or less dangerous than a vanilla guy. And a kinky guy you’ve gone to the trouble to vet — by getting his real name and contact info, by meeting in public at least once, by asking for and following up with references — presents less of a threat to you and your roommates than some presumed-to-be-vanilla rando one of you brought home from a bar at 2 a.m.

Strip away the sensational elements — his thing for feet, his desire to be your chore slave, the mental image of him jacking off all over your toes—and what are we left with? A friends-with-benefits arrangement. A sparkly clean apartment benefits you (and your roommates); the opportunity to worship your feet benefits him. This guy would be a semi-regular sex partner of yours, MICASA, and while the sex you’re having may not be conventional, the sex you have in your apartment — including the sex you might have in the common areas when no one is at home — is ultimately none of your roommates’ business.

That said, MICASA, unless or until all your roommates know what’s up, I don’t think you should ever allow this guy to be alone in your apartment.

Dear Dan: My girlfriend drunkenly confessed to me that she used to pee on her ex. I’m not sure what to do with this info.

—Dude’s Relationship In Peril

Dear DRIP: Did she ask you to do something with this info? Did your girlfriend say, “Hey, I used to pee on my ex — now go make me a dream catcher with that news, would you?” Your GF got a little kinky with an ex, most likely at the ex’s request, and so what? If piss isn’t something you’re into, DRIP, don’t obsess on the distressing-to-you details and focus instead on the big picture: You’ve got an adventurous GF. Congrats. If she doesn’t have an equally adventurous BF, here’s hoping she finds one.